2 days down

Well we are two days into the chemo. There are three different chemo meds that Dan is getting (along with lots of saline and a bunch of other drugs to combat the side effects). They all have long names, but the treatment is better known as BEP. The “B” he gets on days 1,8 and 15 of the cycle. The “E” and the “P” he gets on days 1-5 of the cycle. We have been told that the side effects are cumulative throughout the process and that he will be feeling his best early this week and in the days leading up to the start of the next cycle.

So far, it’s kind of like what we expected. Which is actually nice, I can do without surprises. I went with him on the first day so I could talk to his oncologist about the specifics of what they found last week and also to get the Chemo 101 from the nurse – you know, what all the meds are at the clinic, what meds we will need to monitor at home, things to look out for and things to be concerned about, that kind of thing. Then I stayed with him for the day while he got the 6 hour cocktail. I think I may be banned from coming back for a while as I kind of drove him crazy. With every movement, every sigh from him I was all “Do you need anything?can I get you some water?how about some juice?do you need the nurse?anything?ANYTHING?” at one point he asked if I would mind if he just read, quietly. I calmly told him “Sure, no problem. I’ve got a magazine right here” but in my head was more “sure no problem, I will just sit and stare at you for the next two hours and if you make any move that resembles discomfort I will ask you 9 million questions about how I can try to make it better”.

There is this hard balance you attempt to reach when someone you love is going through something that undoubtedly will cause them discomfort and pain. We know that is what will happen with these medications, it’s kind of how we know they’re working. But the balance part comes between you and the person physically going through this. Dan wants to be able to tell me truth and not always have it send me off into a flurry of action. Sometimes he’s simply going to be feeling shitty and there is nothing I can do about it and he doesn’t want me to do anything about it, he just wants me to know. However, if I fly off the handle every time he mentions that he’s got a little chest pain, it’s going to make it hard for him to tell me in the future. At the same time, I can’t see into his body to see what he means by a ‘little bit’ of chest pain – does he mean a little like some Tylenol would help or a little like I should call the Dr. cause it’s getting hard to breath. There is just so much of reworking ways that you communicate with each other and I have a feeling it is something we are going to be working at for the next 9 weeks.