So, it's been one year since Dan's last chemo treatment. I was talking about this with a friend last night and I said I couldn't believe it had been a year already. She said she couldn't believe it had only been 1 year - that it seems like it was a decade ago. I see it both ways - it seems like it happened in a different life, to a different me. But at the same time it is present every day in my thoughts. And when you think about something every day like that, you sometime miss the passage of time. I think this last year has fundamentally changed how I am wired. I used to be almost aggressively extroverted - needing the energy of other people in order to thrive. Life is a lot quieter now I think. I find myself re-energized by time with our little family or an evening along with a good book and a glass of wine. It's not that I've completely gone to the other side of the spectrum - just balanced out a lot more. Henry is a child that experiences a great deal of separation anxiety it seems - he does not like to be left alone in a room. Ever. Dan and I joke that it's because he takes after me - and it took me 25 years to figure out how to spend any time by myself, he's got time to figure it all out.
**********
Dan had his check-up yesterday and got another "all-clear" from the doctor. We now move to an every 3-4 month check up schedule instead of every 2 months. He has been in remission for 1 year. 1 year!! It feels really good to have the first year under our belts.
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I see the way this last year has changed both myself and Dan in subtle (and not so subtle) ways, but I sometimes miss the impact it has had on Will. He was so young, but the kid has a freaky memory and I forget that. The other day Dan was cutting his hair. He keeps it pretty short now so uses clippers. I don't know if Will just hadn't seen him cutting his hair in a while, but he started shuffling around the hallway like he wanted to say something, but didn't know how. Dan turned off the clippers and asked if everything was ok.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Cutting my hair bud - see?"
and then, so very quietly and with a little catch in his voice
"Are you...are you feeling ok?"
Then, realizing that maybe the last time he actually saw Dan cutting his hair was when he had to shave it all off last year, Dan got down on the floor with him.
"Yeah bud, I feel great, really"
Will was still not looking up at this point
"Do, do you promise?"
And at that point, my heart broke a little. I wish he didn't have that fear, or that memory.
But time is moving forward - and our hope is that with every year we will be able to put more distance between that time and now. And hope that the fear will fade for all of us.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
25 random things
Cross posted with Facebook - I got this meme and while I don't often do them I thought it was kind of fun. It's hard to think about 25 random things - and harder when you aren't writing it for a blog where the people who are going to read it know at least your recent history, if not more. I'm not going to "tag" anyone - but if you want to do it do you should. It's an interesting writing exercise.
1) Today is my Birthday (well, pretty much yesterday at this point since it’s after midnight)
2) I never pictured myself being a mom to two boys. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant with the first one I kind of freaked out and told my friend Aggie she had to move to Portland because I didn’t know what to do with boys. Now I can’t imagine it any other way.
3) I miss singing. A lot.
4) I have learned that I am a terrible waitress. I don’t know how I managed to stay employed doing it for almost 2 years.
5) I was born with a problem in my hip. It used to be barely detectable. I have developed degenerative arthritis in it and now often have to use a cane. I will probably have to have it replaced in the next couple of years.
6) My senior year of college I think I may have spent more time in Mlps/St Paul than I did in Northfield. In retrospect, that may have not been the best thing for my grades.
7) I love heist movies. And heist television shows. It’s one of my guilty pleasures.
8) Another one? Young adult stories with a sense of the fantastical – Buffy, Happy Potter, The Pretties, even Twilight…I’m not ashamed, I love them all.
9) Despite the fact that we don’t know what we are doing the majority of the time, I am proud of the way we are raising our boys. They laugh a lot and know that they are loved.
10) I love that my oldest one has a wicked sense of humor and an incredibly rich imagination.
11) I got caught shoplifting when I was in 8th grade. They called my parents to come and get me – I still don’t know what I was more embarrassed by. The fact that my parents knew I had shoplifted, or the fact that what I shoplifted was several tubes of lip gloss and some eye shadow.
12) You know how they tell you when you are really upset to write a letter getting it all out and then throw it away? Once, instead of throwing it away, I sent that letter. I’m still sorry I did.
13) I moved halfway through my senior year of HS and have only been back twice since then. I’m looking forward to showing my family where I grew up some day.
14) After college I spent a couple of years “testing my boundaries”. I knew I didn’t want to teach (even though I had just finished a degree in music ed) so I pieced together jobs based on what the perks were. I waitressed (free food and often free beer), worked in a salon (free haircuts, makeup, products) and at the Ordway (free theater). I spent almost every night at Chang O’Hara’s closing the bar and dated guys in bands. Not the most constructive time, but generally a lot of fun.
15) When I graduated from High School my parents wanted me to use my graduation money for something commemorative, something I could keep and remember that time in my life. I bought a beautiful camera and 2 lenses. My first year out of college I had it stolen out of my car. This Christmas I got a new DSLR camera and am really enjoying photography again. On the weekends my friend Kari and I take photo walks for an hour in different neighborhoods and practice taking pictures. Not to sound super cheesy, but it’s a really wonderful way to slow down and look for the everyday beauty that surrounds you.
16) I binge read. I won’t pick up a book for a month or two and then when I find something I like I barely put it down until I’m done. This last week I found a 3 part series I liked and read all three books in 6 days.
17) The main reason I was able to do 16 is because my husband got me the best birthday present ever this year. He set me up in a super fancy hotel here in town and sent me on my way from 3pm on Saturday till a late check-out (thank you Leah!) of 1:30 on Sunday. There was a pillow menu, 24 hour room service (I ordered Crème Brule at 1:00 am) and an IPod Library. It was easily one of the most relaxing things I have done in a very long time.
18) I didn't have my first “real” kiss until I was 15.
19) When my insomnia is bad, I watch General Hospital. I started watching it when I was 14.
20) When I work out, in my head I move with the grace and agility of Sydney Bristow…even though I know that’s not reality, I’m still sometimes disappointed when I catch a glimpse in the mirror of how I really look when I exercise.
21) I was in Show Choir in HS. And despite the fact that our outfits were among the most hideous things you could imagine (tight black spandex top, weird halfway see-through layers of skirt and a sparkly belt!) we had a lot of fun.
22) My friend Kati said that she’s “digging the fact that she’s reconnected both superficially (you see my profile, I see yours) and more substantially” with some people here. I have to agree with that – having moved a few times I am enjoying feeling more connected to those who I haven’t had a chance to see in many years.
23) The town I went to college in was a small town with two colleges. And they were very different schools in many ways. Back then I would have never guessed that at this point in my life many of my closest friends and my husband would have gone to that “other school” across the river. It’s funny how we can all have gone to school less than 3 miles from each other and have so many memories involving the same haunts (the Rueb, Grundy’s, Goodbye Blue Monday), but never had our paths cross until years after we all graduated and moved away.
24) I have a freaky memory for musical theater. I can still remember almost every song from every musical I was in or studied in High School. My kids have had to put up with a lot of Sondheim at bedtime.
25) This last year and a half I have experienced very extreme highs and lows. I am so very grateful for the family and friends who helped carry our little family through the difficult times and shared in our joy. There were honestly times that I could barely stand to tell people what was going on because I felt like I was starring in my own personal Lifetime Movie of the week. But we are still standing on the other end of it – Dan is in remission, Henry and I are both healthy and show no lasting damage from the trials of his birth, and Will is a remarkable and loving little boy. I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful network of people in my life.
1) Today is my Birthday (well, pretty much yesterday at this point since it’s after midnight)
2) I never pictured myself being a mom to two boys. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant with the first one I kind of freaked out and told my friend Aggie she had to move to Portland because I didn’t know what to do with boys. Now I can’t imagine it any other way.
3) I miss singing. A lot.
4) I have learned that I am a terrible waitress. I don’t know how I managed to stay employed doing it for almost 2 years.
5) I was born with a problem in my hip. It used to be barely detectable. I have developed degenerative arthritis in it and now often have to use a cane. I will probably have to have it replaced in the next couple of years.
6) My senior year of college I think I may have spent more time in Mlps/St Paul than I did in Northfield. In retrospect, that may have not been the best thing for my grades.
7) I love heist movies. And heist television shows. It’s one of my guilty pleasures.
8) Another one? Young adult stories with a sense of the fantastical – Buffy, Happy Potter, The Pretties, even Twilight…I’m not ashamed, I love them all.
9) Despite the fact that we don’t know what we are doing the majority of the time, I am proud of the way we are raising our boys. They laugh a lot and know that they are loved.
10) I love that my oldest one has a wicked sense of humor and an incredibly rich imagination.
11) I got caught shoplifting when I was in 8th grade. They called my parents to come and get me – I still don’t know what I was more embarrassed by. The fact that my parents knew I had shoplifted, or the fact that what I shoplifted was several tubes of lip gloss and some eye shadow.
12) You know how they tell you when you are really upset to write a letter getting it all out and then throw it away? Once, instead of throwing it away, I sent that letter. I’m still sorry I did.
13) I moved halfway through my senior year of HS and have only been back twice since then. I’m looking forward to showing my family where I grew up some day.
14) After college I spent a couple of years “testing my boundaries”. I knew I didn’t want to teach (even though I had just finished a degree in music ed) so I pieced together jobs based on what the perks were. I waitressed (free food and often free beer), worked in a salon (free haircuts, makeup, products) and at the Ordway (free theater). I spent almost every night at Chang O’Hara’s closing the bar and dated guys in bands. Not the most constructive time, but generally a lot of fun.
15) When I graduated from High School my parents wanted me to use my graduation money for something commemorative, something I could keep and remember that time in my life. I bought a beautiful camera and 2 lenses. My first year out of college I had it stolen out of my car. This Christmas I got a new DSLR camera and am really enjoying photography again. On the weekends my friend Kari and I take photo walks for an hour in different neighborhoods and practice taking pictures. Not to sound super cheesy, but it’s a really wonderful way to slow down and look for the everyday beauty that surrounds you.
16) I binge read. I won’t pick up a book for a month or two and then when I find something I like I barely put it down until I’m done. This last week I found a 3 part series I liked and read all three books in 6 days.
17) The main reason I was able to do 16 is because my husband got me the best birthday present ever this year. He set me up in a super fancy hotel here in town and sent me on my way from 3pm on Saturday till a late check-out (thank you Leah!) of 1:30 on Sunday. There was a pillow menu, 24 hour room service (I ordered Crème Brule at 1:00 am) and an IPod Library. It was easily one of the most relaxing things I have done in a very long time.
18) I didn't have my first “real” kiss until I was 15.
19) When my insomnia is bad, I watch General Hospital. I started watching it when I was 14.
20) When I work out, in my head I move with the grace and agility of Sydney Bristow…even though I know that’s not reality, I’m still sometimes disappointed when I catch a glimpse in the mirror of how I really look when I exercise.
21) I was in Show Choir in HS. And despite the fact that our outfits were among the most hideous things you could imagine (tight black spandex top, weird halfway see-through layers of skirt and a sparkly belt!) we had a lot of fun.
22) My friend Kati said that she’s “digging the fact that she’s reconnected both superficially (you see my profile, I see yours) and more substantially” with some people here. I have to agree with that – having moved a few times I am enjoying feeling more connected to those who I haven’t had a chance to see in many years.
23) The town I went to college in was a small town with two colleges. And they were very different schools in many ways. Back then I would have never guessed that at this point in my life many of my closest friends and my husband would have gone to that “other school” across the river. It’s funny how we can all have gone to school less than 3 miles from each other and have so many memories involving the same haunts (the Rueb, Grundy’s, Goodbye Blue Monday), but never had our paths cross until years after we all graduated and moved away.
24) I have a freaky memory for musical theater. I can still remember almost every song from every musical I was in or studied in High School. My kids have had to put up with a lot of Sondheim at bedtime.
25) This last year and a half I have experienced very extreme highs and lows. I am so very grateful for the family and friends who helped carry our little family through the difficult times and shared in our joy. There were honestly times that I could barely stand to tell people what was going on because I felt like I was starring in my own personal Lifetime Movie of the week. But we are still standing on the other end of it – Dan is in remission, Henry and I are both healthy and show no lasting damage from the trials of his birth, and Will is a remarkable and loving little boy. I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful network of people in my life.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Another set of eyes
So I can't decide - A or B?
What I would like to do, I think, is cut back a little on the yellow-ish cast the low light tends to have, but I can't figure out how to do that without reducing the vibrancy of the blue and orange.
Does anyone know how I could do that?
What I would like to do, I think, is cut back a little on the yellow-ish cast the low light tends to have, but I can't figure out how to do that without reducing the vibrancy of the blue and orange.
Does anyone know how I could do that?
Saturday, January 10, 2009
picture post
Here are a couple more from the new camera. It helps that I have cute subjects.
Also, had a "Parent of the Year" moment earlier this week. So, we have been stuck inside a lot for the last 4 weeks, and at times it had made us all a little stir crazy. In order to lighten the mood sometimes, when the boys are driving me insane, I have taken to threatening them that I am going to sell them all to a farm. This is usually met with a good deal of laughter and some animal noises. Will even seemed to get into it by threatening to sell Dan to a farm one when he was napping and Will wanted him to wake up and play.
It appears, however, that I was wrong my thinking. Yesterday Will told Dan on the car ride home that he would not like us to tease him about the farm anymore. It makes him nervous.
So, that made me feel awesome. Maybe it would go over better if I threatened to sell him into the Jedi order?
It appears, however, that I was wrong my thinking. Yesterday Will told Dan on the car ride home that he would not like us to tease him about the farm anymore. It makes him nervous.
So, that made me feel awesome. Maybe it would go over better if I threatened to sell him into the Jedi order?
Saturday, January 03, 2009
post-christmas post
Such a wonderful, wonderful trip. Too short though and a few important people did not get seen and a couple strongly desired things did not get done. We need to get back more than every two years. We were thinking maybe for the Fair this summer... I love the 'Great Minnesota Get Together!". But sooner rather than later.
Here are a couple of pictures from the Holiday season. Since I got my new camera I am having SO much fun. My hope is to put a few on here often throughout the month as I get them edited and at the end of the month have an album on Flickr.
Here are a couple of pictures from the Holiday season. Since I got my new camera I am having SO much fun. My hope is to put a few on here often throughout the month as I get them edited and at the end of the month have an album on Flickr.
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