1 year down...

So, it's been one year since Dan's last chemo treatment. I was talking about this with a friend last night and I said I couldn't believe it had been a year already. She said she couldn't believe it had only been 1 year - that it seems like it was a decade ago. I see it both ways - it seems like it happened in a different life, to a different me. But at the same time it is present every day in my thoughts. And when you think about something every day like that, you sometime miss the passage of time. I think this last year has fundamentally changed how I am wired. I used to be almost aggressively extroverted - needing the energy of other people in order to thrive. Life is a lot quieter now I think. I find myself re-energized by time with our little family or an evening along with a good book and a glass of wine. It's not that I've completely gone to the other side of the spectrum - just balanced out a lot more. Henry is a child that experiences a great deal of separation anxiety it seems - he does not like to be left alone in a room. Ever. Dan and I joke that it's because he takes after me - and it took me 25 years to figure out how to spend any time by myself, he's got time to figure it all out.

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Dan had his check-up yesterday and got another "all-clear" from the doctor. We now move to an every 3-4 month check up schedule instead of every 2 months. He has been in remission for 1 year. 1 year!! It feels really good to have the first year under our belts.

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I see the way this last year has changed both myself and Dan in subtle (and not so subtle) ways, but I sometimes miss the impact it has had on Will. He was so young, but the kid has a freaky memory and I forget that. The other day Dan was cutting his hair. He keeps it pretty short now so uses clippers. I don't know if Will just hadn't seen him cutting his hair in a while, but he started shuffling around the hallway like he wanted to say something, but didn't know how. Dan turned off the clippers and asked if everything was ok.
"Daddy, what are you doing?"
"Cutting my hair bud - see?"
and then, so very quietly and with a little catch in his voice
"Are you...are you feeling ok?"
Then, realizing that maybe the last time he actually saw Dan cutting his hair was when he had to shave it all off last year, Dan got down on the floor with him.
"Yeah bud, I feel great, really"
Will was still not looking up at this point
"Do, do you promise?"

And at that point, my heart broke a little. I wish he didn't have that fear, or that memory.

But time is moving forward - and our hope is that with every year we will be able to put more distance between that time and now. And hope that the fear will fade for all of us.