The C word

100% Embryonal carcinoma with Vascular invasion. Stage IB.

1 month and 1 day ago I had no idea what most of those word meant on their own, much less put together in a sentence.

1 month and 1 day ago, on September 14, on Will's 3rd birthday, Dan's doctors told him that they had found a mass, and it was cancer. Testicular cancer to be a little more specific.

I have hesitated writing about it here because frankly it's been much to raw for me, and writing does not quite have the therapeutic effect that it might have on others who choose this form of communication more often. I still get greater comfort out of talking. But as we have reached a small milestone in our process with this diagnosis, it felt like the right time to capture some of what has been going on, and some of where we are going.

Things moved very fast after the initial meeting with the Dr that Friday. We went in for a CT scan the next morning and had the initial surgery to remove the tumor on Tuesday. The surgery was outpatient and I was able to bring Dan home that evening. He is really recovering rather nicely and now, at about a month out, is at about 85% I would say.

From there came a series of Doctors visits. conversations about our options, long sleepless night and now here we are. We have a plan. The big picture? This is a very treatable cancer that has a high success rate when it comes to treatment when it is caught early. And it was caught early. But it's still cancer and it still really sucks.

This is the email we sent out on Friday:

Hello, everyone! After visiting with multiple doctors over the past couple of weeks, we've finally settled on an excellent specialist and our next course of action, which is going to be surveillance, and then chemotherapy if necessary. Apparently the big surgery we've been mulling over doesn't work as well for this specific cancer (100% Embryonal carcinoma) as it does for other types of testicular cancer, and might miss microscopic cells which can move directly to the lungs, bypassing the nodes which are removed during surgery. And preventative chemo (which was actually recommended by the first doctor we saw), apparently, is done "sometimes in Europe" but very rarely here in the states (when we brought up the chemo idea to actual specialists, they looked at us with a mix of amusement and horror, like we were dogs depositing a dead squirrel on the floor as a gift).

Surveillance entails monthly x-rays, CT scans and bloodwork for the next two years, then less frequently for three years after that. If the cancer is still around right now (a 50% possibility), it will manifest within that time, and we'll jump into nine weeks of chemotherapy, which itself has a 99% cure rate. So that's the story. We're not exactly done yet, but it feels good to have a decision made, and we're not arguing with the eventual cure rate either way.

There truly are not words to thank all of you for your help and support over this past month. We'll see many of you soon, and for those who are farther away, we are determined to start coming out of our cocoon, so please write or call whenever you feel like it. Our love to you all.

New Camera

I got a new camera, Dan talked me into it during one of my more hormotional (hormones + emotional = hormotional) moments when I was having a fit because only about 4 pictures from Will's awesome birthday party turned out. This was because my old camera was having trouble doing things like focusing.

My new camera makes me very happy.

Getting a D in nutrition or Reason #27 why I won't be Valedictorian of Pregnancy

So, I realize I am just getting out of the 1st trimester and all of the fun with eating that has come with it. Whenever I tell anyone how sick I've been they always say reassuring things like "Oh it doesn't matter, just eat whatever you can keep down. You have plenty of time to get good nutrition in over the next 6 months" and "Don't worry about what you've been eating, I mean you're taking your prenatal, right? You'll have time for eating healthy when you're feeling better". Which is very kind and comforting. But I haven't been eating just kind of bad. It's not like I've just not quite been getting in my 6 serving of fruits and veggies a day...I am eating like crap. I kid you not, I really think the only green thing that has entered my body this week was the lettuce that was on my BLT last night. And yesterday my big healthy choice was to get lunch at Jamba Juice, you know the place where they make fruit smoothies with lime sherbet. My sister-in-law called it the White trash pregnancy diet and I think that honestly about sums it up. I apparently can only eat things that are fried or are made out of highly processed, bleached flour.

I know I still have a chance to turn things around, but I have fear in my bad habits. Because, despite the eating like crap, I still have been sick more and have so far lost a tiny bit of weight since finding out I was pregnant. So I don't even have the negative reinforcement of my terrible eating choices to guide me. Plus, with Will I had a secret, awesome weapon in my effort to be a healthy, earthy baby-carrying vessel. A secret weapon named Shelley.

Seriously, that girl is the only reason I didn't put on 50 pounds when I was pregnant with Will (and if we're being totally honest, one of the only reasons I stayed sane 50+ hours a week between working in a crazy ass industry and a raptor growing inside me). In the morning when I would start to think "Hmm, I'm feeling kind of nauseous and a little hungry...maybe I'll just run to the gas station and get some Hostess Donettes to feel better" she would come around the corner in our purple palace of an office with a Vans Heart healthy multi-grain waffle topped with fresh fruit "because she had extra" and I would eat that instead. And then at lunch when I was thinking "Mmmm, greasy McDonald's" she would come over and entice me to come with her to the best healthy grocery store in town and we would pick out awesome healthy organic frozen lunches and extra frozen veggies to add to them to "bulk them up". That's not to say that we didn't eat the occasional bag of Maui Hawaiian chips (worst breath ever!) or get a slice cake once a week, but nothing like that crap I am pulling now.

So, I am trying to institute a WWSD (What Would Shelley Do) approach to my diet as I'm starting to feel better...I even brought a blender to work and plan on stopping by the store for some frozen fruit and good fruit/veggie juice blends to make smoothies. Until then, I think there's a cookie calling my name somewhere...

3 weeks later

So, summer is drawing to a close. I stubbornly refuse to say that Labor Day is the end of summer, especially here in the Northwest. Actually, September is one of my favorite summer months on the West Coast because there aren't usually many 90 degree days anymore yet the winter rains haven't really started yet.

September is a month I have been very much looking forward to for another reason. I can now say that I am 12 weeks pregnant! Yay! I'm due at the end of March and I can hardly wait to find out what we are having (which should happen sometime in November) This is news that I am so excited to be able to share...it's been weird to avoid talking/writing about it, as it had been a very present, front of my mind kind of thing for the last 8 weeks.

It has been a very different first trimester that I had with Will in most ways. There were the same scary complications for the first few weeks, but they have for the most part resolved themselves in a similar fashion. The main difference is that I have been SOOO sick this time around. With Will I threw up maybe 2-3 times total...this time I am pretty sure I am averaging about 2 times a day. Dude, I even threw up in a grocery store (I made it to the bathroom at least). But, as of this weekend I am starting to possibly feel a tiny little bit more human as I round out of the first trimester and head into the second.

In fact, I am starting to feel so much more human that we took an adventure up to the Mountain yesterday with Will. I had never been to Timberline and it was a beautiful morning, so we packed up in the car and took off for the day. Will of course lost his mind at actually being on the mountain that we see all the time and spent most of the morning yelling at us that "MAMA! DADA! WE'RE ONNA MOUNTAIN! LOOK!" and singing "The Bear went over the Mountain" while making his stuffed polar bear dance along. It was a wonderful, amazing day that has imprinted onto my brain as one of THOSE days. You know, where everything is just where it is supposed to be at that moment, and you recognize that you are just happy at the exact moment that you are happy instead of after the fact? Yep, one of those days, and I couldn't be happier. (I'll post some pics soon)

This and that

The latest round of guests are gone and a quiet calm has fallen over the house. Dan is in the other room watching a movie, I have been watching a backlog of bad TV on the DVR and lazily surfing the net. Will is fast asleep after a pajama stripping/diaper-taking-off incident in bed. As wonderful, wonderful, having our latest guest here was there is something so nice about just having the three of us in our quiet little house again.

Since this guest was mostly Dan's, Will and I have gotten to spend a lot of time together over the last few days. Our nightly routines have been pared down to just the two of us, and we have had such a nice time. I think he is about ready to have Daddy do nighttime again - I just don't quite read certain books the right way - but we have made new little traditions and inside jokes just in the course of a couple of days. His newest movie obsession in Mulan...there's something about the Huns I guess. He's memorized a couple of the songs and his been singing "I'll make a man out of you" at the top of his lungs every time we get into the car. He's even memorized a couple of lines from the movie and it is very important that when these lines come up, I must stop whatever I am doing and "act out" the scene with him....which of course makes me want to explode from all the cuteness and just plain earnest-ness.

It's hard though sometimes, these days that I get to spend so much time with him, to give it up. It's amazing how quickly I can fall into a rhythm that I just don't want to interrupt with things like work and daycare and having to let Dan put him to bed tomorrow night...