Going...going...

gone? hopefully?

We are scheduled to make a trip back to the frozen tundra tomorrow - but we have had our own "Arctic Blast!" going on right here in town. Seriously, if I have to hear/see the phrase "Arctic Blast!" one more time I may throw something at the TV. What an event it has been. The "news" or weather coverage has been on almost 24-7 since last week. Each day predicting more dire circumstances than they day before. I suppose I should take some comfort in that...they are predicting a bad storm for tomorrow. But if they predict it, it can't come true...right?

It's been interesting, working from home the last week and a half and having the whole family here. When the public schools are closed, Dan's work and the boys day-cares are closed. And since the public schools were closed almost all of last week, that meant we were all home together. And for the last five days, we have only been able to leave the vicinity of our house once. We have been literally snowed in.

It was fun, the first couple of days. And then I realized that while I love my family very much and am very grateful for them, I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. I do not have what it takes to do what they do. I told Will last night that I was ready to sell them to a farm. And I might have if someone had offered to buy them...for a dollar. Part of it, I think, is the size of our house. We have a wonderfully cozy, but small, house. And while Dan says that I am just attempting to lay the groundwork for a basement remodel (maybe), I really do think a little extra breathing room may have made things a little less...intense.

So, hopefully we will get a small reprieve in the weather and our flight departs. I am so excited to see our family and friends...most of whom I have not seen in at least two years and haven't even gotten to meet Henry. So many of the people there were an amazing support to us this last year even from such a great distance. I hope to be able to share in some merriment with them as well.

Also, got a fantastic Christmas present this year. We bought a shiny new camera and I love it. So, hopefully over the holiday I will be able to dig through some of the backlog of pictures I have and start getting them up again.

I hope you all travel safely and find joy and peace this Holiday Season!

John Williams is the Man

So, we let Will watch Star Wars (the 1977 one) when he turned 4. Empire and Return of the Jedi followed soon after and now we have a full blown obsession in our house. I was telling a friend about it and she sent me this:




I especially like the "Luke whiny voice" at about the 3:02 mark. Ah how I wish 4-year-olds understood things like this, cause I was laughing so hard I was almost in tears.

Costumes

Halloween this year was quite the success. In past years Will has flat out refused to get involved with dressing up, so when he took an interest in his costume this year we were pretty excited for him. He was a Dragon and Henry was...well, in some Halloween pajamas with a weird pumpkin beret my mother put on him. Will went Trick-or-treating at exactly 3 houses...and frankly he was done at 2. I made a tactical error in picking our first house. I thought, ooh cool, decorations. We did decorating, he will like that. However, the decorations were a little more PG/PG-13 then a four-year-old can really handle. Lots of screaming sounds and chainsaw sounds and fake blood...yeah, that didn't go over really well for my shy dragon. But he loved giving out the candy, so ended up having a good night after all.

My mom also brought a NASA jumpsuit costume for Will that she brought out the day after Halloween with a bunch of other dress up clothes. While he did really, really like the Dragon...the orange jumpsuit has barely come off for two days. He thinks it looks like Luke Skywalker's fighter suit from Empire strikes back and refuses to let us call it a costume.

Here are the boys prior to Trick-or treating:


Henry, getting his first taste of sugar (I was in the other room):


And Will (at the carousel) as Jedi fighter pilot extraordinaire:

Rock the Vote

Tap…tap…hello? It’s been so long since I posted I’m not sure if anyone is still out there...

So I posted a couple of years ago on Election night about my foray into the political world. I really didn’t have a lot of background in politics and was very excited about learning and understanding that which makes our county run.

My parents flew into town tonight and we sat around discussing the upcoming elections. They have an interesting local race in Norm Colman v. Al Franken, we have another interesting one in Gordon Smith v. Jeff Merkley. But of course, talk turned to the national election and where we saw that heading.

I read an interesting article recently (I so Wish I could remember where) about how many people our grandparents generation are feeling frustrated with the voting styles of our generation. They feel we have gotten too “socially oriented” and that we are ignoring larger issues such as taxes and national safety in order to vote with an eye toward these crazy newfangled principals like “Pro-Choice” and “Gay Rights”. They blame our parents mostly for raising us with the ideals born out of the social reforms of the 60s.

But it made me think, and I realized I DO vote mostly on social issues. The lines in the sand for me do involve a person’s right to choose who they will be able to marry and the right to choose what happens to their body. I don’t understand a platform that advocates smaller government, but feels they have the right to regulate such private and personal things. Those things are deal breakers for me.

So I’m curious, what are yours?

Sakes Alive, someone's four! Photoblog 9/30

I can't believe I have a four-year-old. Sometimes I can't believe it was only 4 years ago because it seems like he's been with us forever...and on the other hand I can't believe it's already been 4 years because really? He's 4 already? Wasn't that just yesterday he was like, 1?

It's been a bittersweet month for us. Since Dan was diagnosed with The Cancer on Will's third birthday, the two are very intertwined for us. At least right now...I hope with time they cease to be less so. But we have so many painful memories of last year, and we really, really didn't want that to color Will's birthday this year.

So we left town - just the four of us. Just for the weekend, but it's something we had never done before. Since Will was born, we have always traveled either with or to friends and family. It was an amazing weekend. So many times Dan and I just looked at each other, silently so grateful for this time and its marked difference from a year ago. When we got back from our weekend away, we felt refreshed, recharged. It felt like we had drawn a line in the sand from "last year" and "this year" and stepped right over it, leaving the "last year" behind and starting new.

When we got back, we met up with Dan's parents and Will's godparents for lunch. On our way there, Will told me what he wanted for his birthday.

"Mama, for my birthday I want these things. I would like a cupcake, and singing and a candle and clapping. Ok?"

Glad to oblige bud, glad to oblige.

Here are a couple of my favorite from the weekend, plus a video! from the train ride Will got as a birthday present. As always, the rest are here: Photoblog 9/30.

Chemo Months - Photoblog 9,9

So, it's interesting going back through these. I'm glad we have them, and I'm glad to share them, but even the happy things don't necessarily bring warm feelings. These are all we have from December to February. A lot of holidays occur during that time, and birthdays, and other group gatherings and Dan couldn't attend any of them. It was just Will and I (and Henry sort of) at all these family things, and we were missing a pretty integral part of our family. That point driven home even more as the family things we were going to all were on Dan's side. Despite my parents being here for a good part of this time; and the lifelines that were our friends - people who brought us food (which again, thank you! Totally wouldn't have pulled together a single meal if it weren't for you!) and called and checked in and came over and took care...it was a lonely time. It was weird to "experience" the holidays when going through something like we were.

But there were good things, and I am glad I have pictures of them because at some point I think we will be able to look at them and see them as good all on their own, not moments of good almost engulfed by the fear and pain and anxiety that surrounded them.

Here are a couple of my favorites, rest are here: Photoblog 9.9

The Many faces of Henry - Photoblog 9.2

So this week covers pretty much April and May. It takes me right up to end of my Mat leave. Also, Henry hadn't really started smiling much, so I had a LOT of pictures of various faces he is making. Again, the return of the striped pillow!

I know that this set really falls under the category of "Needs more judicious editing" but there are so many expressions I want to remember that I indulge myself anyway.

Here are some of my favorite and the rest are here: Photoblog 9.2

How to give the spouse of a recovering cancer patient a unnecessary heart attack

So far, for me, the worst, worst part about Dan's bi-monthly cancer checks is waiting for the Dr to come into the room...and the first few seconds after he's entered. We sit in the room for 10, 15, 20 minutes waiting. See a shadow on the floor from under the door...and it passes by. Another shadow...the door opens. And in the first 5 seconds we sit there attempting to analyze his every facial expression. If it was bad news, he wouldn't come in smiling. But if he's not smiling, that doesn't necessarily mean bad news. Ahhh! What is he going to say? Is this the time he walks in the door and our world drops out from under us again, or will we be given another 2 month reprieve before doing this dance again?

Today, he comes in and starts asking about how Dan is feeling. Ok, so that doesn't tell me anything. Soon he's asking if we have any fun plans coming up. I always take this as the sign I can start to relax, because who would come in, ask if you had any fun plans only to say: Well sorry about that. You're going to be missing out on those fun plans due to the Cancer coming back. Aren't you glad I asked?

He does a quick physical exam and that is usually it. Today though, he finished the exam and said: When did you do your blood draw? I don't think I've seen those numbers yet. I have to check on something, I'll be right back.

What?!? You mean the tumor marker numbers that are the only test this month to see if Dan is still Cancer free? You know, the whole reason we're here? Those numbers? If you haven't seen "those numbers" yet, why are you in here talking about my fun plans? You don't know that you get to talk about fun plans yet! You haven't seen the numbers!

And then he was gone for 10 minutes.

And I think I stopped breathing.

He pops in "Numbers are perfect! See you in 2 months" and pops back out the door.

I still hadn't recovered from the 10 minutes of the not breathing when we had to go out to schedule the next appointment and Dan is all Yay! Numbers good! 2 more months! Aren't you excited?!?

And I am, SO excited!

It just took me a few minutes to catch my breath.

Hey! Look who was pregnant! - Photoblog 8.26

Not Me!

I think I may only have one picture of myself when I was pregnant with Henry. But I don't think I have many of my pregnancy with Will either...so it's not a second child thing...ANYway.

Kari, that's who was pregnant! In between taking lots of pictures of my own newborn son I got to participate in a couple of baby oriented events with Kari, who was due about 9 weeks after Henry was born. Since clearly I was in a picture taking mood those days, I had a lot of pictures of Kari from those two said events. A Baby shower:



And an impromptu "My nails should look pretty in the Hospital" trip to the Spa:



I know that Kari was somewhat uncomfortable at this point in the pregnancy (I think at this point she was more pregnant that I have ever been since both my boys arrived 5 or so weeks early) but I love these pictures because she is so happy. Every pregnancy is special, but this was a very hard fought/hard earned/hard won (whatever the phrase is) pregnancy. So it was fun for me to be a friend who got to be there with her.

And fun to see what she got to bring home 4 months ago (rest are here:Photoblog 8.26)

Hodge Podge - Photoblog 8.20

Just a mix of stuff from early June. We were busy in June it seems, I had a lot of pictures from June. Will got his first Bike, was in a wedding and got to go on a pirate ship. Well, not really a pirates ship, it was actually an accurate representation of the Nina (of the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria) but Will had been pretty obsessed with pirates and it was close enough for him.
Here are the faves, rest are here: Photoblog 8.20

Will asleep at the wedding:



Goofy faces from Henry:



Will's Pirate Ship:

On vacation - Photoblog 8.19

So, 'photoblog 8.19' will be more like 'photoblog 8/20' this week because I've been kicking it out in the Mountains for the last couple of days. We're home now, but still feeling that vacation vibe. So I think I am going to shut off the computer or I will find myself answering work emails and doing excel spreadsheets. So tune in tomorrow sometime for a slightly delayed post.

Playing

I've been fooling around in Gimp Shop again, I'm constantly surprised at what a powerful tool it is. I know I am just barely scratching the surface with it. I had the thought that in my copious free time I would start taking tutorials...or at least it might be something more productive to do when insomnia strikes than watch an NCIS marathon. Here's what I tried:

Original:First try, last week

Tonight's attempt

Nana and Papa come to visit Photoblog 8.12

So one good thing, wait, one thing that didn't totally suck, about the whole Cancer umbrella was that my parents became this beacon of support for us. Now, that isn't to say that they haven't always been supportive. Because they have...except for that one time I was 15 and was SURE they were trying to ruin my life by not really wanting me to go out with this super cute junior(totally won that argument by the way)...anyway, I digress.
Facing something like we did is hard on the people who want to help. People have a hard time knowing what to do, what do say. I did, and I was living it. We were incredibly lucky to be surrounded by an abundance of people who did and said amazing things. But my parents? They came out and were here, living in the trenches with us. They came for Dan's first week of Chemo and my mom came out for almost 2 1/2 weeks during his last round when I was 8 months pregnant. They came out after Henry was born and Dan was still feeling all of the physical repercussions of just being one month out of chemo and I was so, so tired yet completely unable to sleep. My mom has sat up with me at 2:00am countless times in the last 9 months talking to me, distracting me from my anxiety, keeping me company when I felt alone.
So, the good thing that came out of it, yes, back to the good. They got to spend so much time with Will. I know it is hard on them that they are not here to be part of his day-to-day, but in this last year they were a very strong presence in his life.
So, in June they came out and we wanted to get out of town, to just be away from all the stress and anxiety of this last year. We rented a place at the beach - Mom and Dad took Will a day early for some special time. It was good - we laughed, a lot. Here are some of my favorites, and as always, link here: Photoblog 8.12

Photoshoots and a Party - Photoblog 8.25

So, this set of pictures is not so big. It spans pretty much the last couple weeks of June through the first couple of July. In looking at them, I couldn't figure out why there were so few - we were pretty busy during that period. But my parents had just left after an awesome 2 1/2 week trip (next weeks photos!) and I think I was tired of taking pictures.

When Henry and I are home together during the day, I mostly work while he hangs out in a sling or naps on his chair. This time period was when we first discovered he would sleep in the big yellow chair, so there are a lot of pictures of that. He still wasn't sitting up so there are also a lot of him during our breaks, on the boppy. Poor kid is going to hate the sight of those sherbet colored stripes when he gets older. Here is one of my favorites from our at-home-alone photoshoots:


There was also the 4th of July - a spectacular even hosted by our dear friends Sarah and Dave. They know how to throw a party. It was interesting - there were SO many more children than there were last year this time. Last year there were 3, this year there were 10 with 8 of them being under 15 months. That is a lot of kids - added to the chaos and the fun:


We also took several trips to the zoo. We really have a wonderful zoo here - here is my favorite of the entire month and as always you can view the rest here: Photoblog 8.5

Camera Envy - Photoblog 7.29

So, I meant to write in between these two posts...but clearly that didn't happen. We've been busy over here in our household. Summer evening and weekends fill so quickly with friends and family - I hate to loose track of any of it but can't seem to find the time to write it all down. I find I've been throwing things on the Family Calendar after the fact so that I'll have some kind of record of what all we did this summer.

This week's photoblog has to do with Camera Envy. Kari lent me her wonderful SLR camera for a week and I got to play with it. It takes the prettiest pictures. I had SO many good ones, it was hard to pare down. I didn't get a ton of Will though. It's much easier to force Henry into doing a photo shoot than it is the ever-moving object that is Will. I did however get a couple fantastic pictures where Will told me he would pose for me. Below is one of the best.



Also, Henry is doing things like blowing raspberries, babbling and trying to stay sitting up. I find myself stopping what I am doing and hopping on the floor to play with him many times a day. He is just so interactive now, it's a fun stage. I can't believe how fast it is going this time though! He is going to start solid foods in 2 1/2 weeks - that is crazy talk.

As always, you can see the entire set here: Photoblog 7.29

A day in the life...Photoblog

So, the first Photo Tuesday. This was fun for me! About 2 weeks ago I decided to take one day and photograph it as we went along. We didn't do anything out of the ordinary from our regular Saturday, but it was fun grabbing some of those daily things instead of just the events. It worked pretty well - except we split off in the middle of the day and only have one camera so I missed swimming pictures (Dan and Will go together every Saturday), and after dinner we came home and it was bedtime. The wheels came off a little and there were no extra hands for picture taking. So our day ended at dinner apparently.
Anyway, here are a couple of my favorties and you can click on the link here for the set: Photoblog 7.22

Boys

Two recent examples in which I just have to laugh that this is my life...with all boys:

Here is the scene. We are all in the car, that has a broken muffler that we haven't gotten fixed despite the fact that we sound like an entire motorcycle gang.
Henry is screaming, because that is what he does in the car.
This seems to upset Will, who decides the best way to deal with it is a mantra that goes something like this "Mama Mama Mama MAMA MAMA HENRY IS HURTING MY EARS!!! YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO MY WORDS MAMA!" But keep in mind he is trying to be heard over the screaming. And the muffler.
The radio is playing very softly, but somehow Dan hears a tune and turns it up. Loud. Except we only really have 1 speaker that really works in our 15 year old car. The rest kind of make a staticy noise, so you really have to turn it up to hear the music. "Sweet! Van Halen!" and starts humming, air guitaring/drumming and yelling WOO-HOO every time Will stops for air.
So that makes Will try and yell louder, over his Dad, over the Van Halen, over the static, over the screaming baby and over the muffler.
And I realized that this is just the beginning. I am going to be outnumbered for the rest of my life.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Last night we had company for dinner. We were planning on the adults eating after the kids went down but they came early to see the boys for a little while. Will has taken to procrastinating bedtime as much as possible recently with the "I have to go to the bathroom" plea. So sure, what are you going to do.

So, Will was in there procrastinating and I had just finished nursing Henry. Dan was waiting for Will to return to bed (as we have long ago stopped going into the bathroom to wait with him). One of our guests gets up and in walking to the kitchen asks what Will is doing.

So I get up to find out and see him, sans clothing, not so much facing the toilet. I go in and ask him what he is doing...

"Peeing mama. Look! It all went down!"

Why yes it did, right down the heating vent that he was peeing into. Oh yes, my child, my sweet little boy was peeing, into the HEATING VENT.

So, I kinda started to maybe get a little upset (thinking really this is an act of I don't know, defiance? maliciousness?) "No Will, NO! Stop that right now that is NOT ok!"

By this time Dan had come into the room and Will looked at both of us, honestly very shocked, his lower lip starting to quiver a little at my outburst and he looked a little...embarrassed.

"um, Daddy" he asked quietly, "Is that only ok at swimming?"

And at that point I realized that I had no idea, nor do I think I want to, as to what goes on when the boys go for their weekly trips to the pool.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Also, as I was putting together a present for Dan today I realized that I have so, so SO many pictures that I have not done corrections to and posted. I love taking pictures and I love sharing them, but after Dan's diagnosis, it was somehow very emotionally overwhelming. So, I kept taking them, but haven't been able really to go back and look at many of them - especially the couple weeks leading up to and following when we found out. However, I feel like it's time. And I haven't been that good about posting here either. So, in order to take care of both those things at once I am going to institute Photo Tuesdays. Yes I realize that photo Fridays sounds better, but I wanted to do it on Tuesday so oh well. I am going to post a couple of my favorites here and a link to a set of pictures on Flickr every Tuesday. Except I am going to chicken out a little and start with the most recent and work my ways backward. I think I still need a little time before tackling those.

4 months

Henry had his 4 month appointment this week - everything looks good and he is gaining weight like a champ.

Dan had his 4 month appointment as well and everything looks good there too. Yay! I keep forgetting that Dan got his 1st all clear appointment post-chemo the day before Henry was born until it's appointment time. The timeline from those couple of weeks back in February are still a little fuzzy to me.

And this picture, it makes me a very happy mama.

learning

So, I haven’t been posting too much lately. I could go into a whole bunch of reasons why, but the main reason? I am too damn tired. Seriously, oh my god tired. I can’t even tell you the number of times I have lost 5-10 minutes during my two ½- hour pumping sessions at work. I love my boys, but I don’t think that anyone told me that two was WAY more than double one. WAY more.

Don’t get me wrong. I actually have generally great kids. Will has adjusted better than to be expected to having a little brother and Henry for his part has cut back a little on the screaming and now has many different levels of expressing his displeasure with whatever the current situation is presenting him. My favorite is kind of a squawk/yell that is kind of like a cry but more of a “mom, mom, MOM! I AM NOT HAPPY” that comes before the actual full on scream. If you can catch him there things can usually be turned around somewhat easily.

But the tired? It makes me cranky. First it was the 3 1/2 month bout of insomnia. I could actually “reasonably” tolerate 2-3 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period because I didn’t have that many obligations during the day during the week. I could cat nap with Henry and didn’t have to speak to people I didn’t want to. The tipping point came when I went back to work. Now, keep in mind, I actually like the people I work with and they have been amazingly generous, but I really don’t think I realized how much I was depending on those cat naps to keep me sane. This is not to diminish what I went through (or anyone else is going through) as a first time parent, but I am amazed at how much energy two children require. And with just one, if you are sleep deprived and cranky, you run the risk of being kind of a bitch to other adults. But with two? Let’s just say 3 ½ year olds have a knack for knowing when you are at your tiredest most not-like-yourself self and start pushing your buttons. This morning, Will and I had the most fantastically mature argument during negotiations of what was appropriate to wear to school (shorts and a tshirt – yes!, underpants only and his sword tied around his waist– no!) in which he finally told me not to put on my Angry Face, he didn’t like it and it wasn’t nice. And he’s right and more often that not the tired makes me act like the kind of parent I don’t want to be.

But the thing I am learning with that is that for me, not only do I think it’s ok to not always be the parent I want to be in front of my kids, I actually think it can be a good thing. I think it’s an opportunity for me to teach them that you don’t have to be perfect – and that if you screw up, it’s both ok and appropriate to acknowledge it and apologize for it. After Will and I had had a rough morning a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was just kind of being an asshole. So I went into his room and told him that I was sorry. Mommy was having a tough morning and he wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was my fault and I should have been a better listener. And he really heard what I was saying. And I asked him if he would forgive me and he smiled and said yes, gave me a kiss and ran out of the room to find his sword. And for me? I think that felt a little bit more like the parent I want to be than if I had just done it perfect the first time.

grown up

Mama! Look!

Yes Baby?

It's Daddy's work. When I am grown up I will go to work there too. I will do lots of things when I am grown up, like touch things?

umm, excuse me, what? what things are you going to touch bud?

When I am grown up I will touch Scissors! And Cars! and umm...stuff onna umm...counter...and oh! The grill, Mama I will touch the grill.

That sounds like a good plan bud.

Oh HEY MAMA! When I am grown up I will reach. I will reach SOOOO high so I can touch the sky.

I know you will baby, I know you will.

The green rebar tour

Last year the unthinkable happened when a bridge collapsed in the Twin Cities.

They have started new building. I like to think it's part of the process of healing, of closing the jagged gash scarring the river and those towns.

One of my dearest people had a chance to visit the site and take some truly incredible pictures. You really must go see them. Go now. They are not only very interesting as an educational tool (I certainly had no idea what went into bridge building) but are fantastic pictures as well.

Above is one of my favorites. You can click there and it will take you to the set, or you can just click on the link here.

Photo Round-Up

Someone is smiling:


Someone grew about a foot this month:

This is the new family time (love):

another round

So, somehow my last post got picked up by a weird website search engine thingie. I have removed the phrase that was causing it to get picked up and am reposting. The things you learn :)

Things here are going well - busier than I thought I would be at this point in my mat leave. I can't believe it is about to end, I go back to work in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! I am so not prepared to hand Henry over to the SuperDaycare, even though they are super. We are really happy with the place we are sending him, it's the same place as his older brother. We were on a waiting list for 2 years to get Will in at this place (and then deferred entrance one year so he started at 3) so are feeling really lucky that we got the sibling advantage with the Wait List this time around.

Also feeling really lucky because my work has done two amazing things recently. Like, mind-boggling amazing. I work in a pretty male dominated industry and my company is not really an exception. Other than the fact that the president is a woman, there are really only like 4 other women in the entire company. Also, it has a somewhat transitory nature so it tends not to be super family friendly either (I am the only woman in the company with children that are not adults). However, when approaching how they would handle my new status as a parent of two young children they have been amazing. First, my maternity leave. Even though my office isn't technically big enough to require them to follow Family Leave regulations they did anyway, giving me the full 12 weeks off unpaid. And then, this is the part that really blows me away, they instituted a policy that allows for the donation of leave time to a fellow employee. And oh my lord my co-workers were so generous. I don't want to put on here how much, but way above and beyond generous. People donated so much time that combined with my own sick/vacation time and some savings I was able to take off the 12 weeks without freaking out about how we could afford it the entire time. They gave me time with Henry so I didn't have to go back to work much earlier. I can't even begin to explain what a gift that is.

Also, they are letting me have a stab at a trial run flexible schedule. I have 3 months to prove to them that I can get just as much work done in a week by working from home 2 days a week as I would if I was in the office full time. I'm feeling pretty confident that I can impress them in this regard, I have worked remotely before and know how to discipline myself to keeping to a schedule. If anything, I have the tendency to work too much when I work from home because I have a hard time shutting it out. But my boss has had a bad experience with this before so we will see, wish me luck.
*******************************************************

We had the first of the new surveillance check-ups for Dan's Cancer recently. It's weird, making the move from fighting cancer to the new living with cancer thing. Because that's sort of how I look at it. We don't really consider it gone for five years. For five years we will go in for these check-ups. Holding our breath for the days before because if it comes back now we are looking at a whole different ball game. This was the first one, and I hope it gets easier. I hope we are given an opportunity to learn how to live with this new reality over the next five years. But this one, it ended up throwing all of us out of whack for a good week. I didn't sleep, Dan slept a lot. Will was on edge because Dan and I were. I know how lucky we are to be at a point were we have the opportunity to learn how to deal with remission, but I think sometimes we were unprepared at what kinds of scars the experience has left on our family. I say scars, but that week it felt much more like still raw, open wounds.

One of the things I think it has left me with is a difficulty to properly assess the urgency of a medical situation. Everything is either 0 or 100 in terms of how worried I get. I forget that there is a large range of numbers in between there. It's just, with Dan he went in for what we thought was a little infection and walked out with a cancer diagnosis. A cancer in which the success of treatment relies almost entirely on catching it early. Within hours of that first appointment for the infection it turned out he didn't have we were scheduling surgery. And at one point during chemo we went in because Dan had a little bit of a nagging cough. Once there they rushed him over to the hospital to be admitted because his blood oxygen levels were so low they were worried about him going into respiratory distress and "taking a turn for the worse". I was on "bedrest" when that happened.

You take that and add my experiences with what happened with my own health at the end of my pregnancy. I think I'm somewhat justified in having a slight phobia when it comes to potential medical concerns. But what I hope eases up with time is the feeling that I get when faced with something like Dan's monthly check-up or Will's mysterious arm rash or Henry's lingering jaundice. I don't simply worry that one of things could be potentially very serious, I flashback to that day when Dan called me and told me that this was not an infection, it was much more serious and could I please come now. And I feel it all over again. That being said, it was a good appointment and his numbers continue to look great. I like to think of it as a start down a good path. A chance for us to learn how to live with Cancer. **********************************************

On a happier note, my children could simply not be cuter I am sure of it. Will loves being an older brother and takes his new role quite seriously. I really believe he thinks of Henry as "our" baby because he takes a great deal of concern in making sure we are paying attention to Henry's needs for blankets, pacis, etc. I am terribly behind in the picture posting. I have been taking a ton, but haven't gotten them off my camera. I will do that soon.
**********************************************

And in VERY fun news, welcome to the world Baby Howie!! You have the most kissable, smooshable cheeks. I am so excited that you are here.

New look

I wanted something a little lighter so I thought I would try my hand at a redesign. You like?

seven+1

Seven weeks and 1 day ago I was in a hospital asking a nurse to take me to go see my son.

It all started seven weeks and 3 days ago. I was just about 36 weeks pregnant and had been having an interesting week. 3 weeks prior I had started having contractions and been put on bed rest for 2 weeks. So it was my first week off bed rest and I was uncomfortable. Yes, I was 36 weeks pregnant so that was to be expected, but it was more than that. I had gained about 10 lbs in two days - my hands were so swollen I couldn't make a fist. I called the Dr and they wanted me to come in and have some blood work done. On Thursday that week I went in to see if the blood work they had ordered turned anything up. My regular OB was gone that afternoon and so I was seeing someone else in the practice. She did a quick exam, asked me why I was in and looked at my chart.
Then she looked up at me and said "Huh, these numbers aren't good. We need to send you to Labor and Delivery right now. I think you'll be having a baby today."

Um, what? I asked if I could go home and you know, make arrangements for Will, get my labor bag, get my husband stuff like that. No no, I had to go over right away and I was lucky she was letting me walk and not sending me in a wheelchair. Apparently, my liver and kidney's had stopped functioning properly and I had developed HELLP syndrome. (which is a little like pre-eclampsia gone bad) I wasn't sure what that meant and didn't have access to a computer to find out. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't because it's some scary shit and I think I would have been a lot less calm if I had more details. So I called Dan, told him they were going to induce me in the morning and could he take Will to his parents and pack up my bag for me? I had a list of all the stuff that I wanted to have there but none of it was really together. He was a rock star though and brought me everything I wanted.

So there I was Thursday night. I knew something was wrong but didn't really understand what. And, I knew I was going to be having a baby in the morning.



They gave me an Ambien to help me sleep - I think that was the last time I've slept more than 4 hours.

Friday morning rolled around and they started me with Pitocin in an IV to get labor started. They also started me on and IV of Magnesium Sulfate that they told me was due to the HELLP syndrome and was supposed to prevent me from having the seizures that can sometimes be associated with this. The told me it was going to make me feel like shit (and WOW did it ever) but you know, better than seizures, right?

My contractions got pretty strong with the Pitocin right away. They gave me an IV of something for the pain that was delightfully fuzzy. But then they decided that the contractions weren't productive enough and they broke my water. That made the delightfully fuzzy go away and my contractions started coming really fast - sometimes starting before the last one had really ended.

I know it's not the choice for everyone, but I was all about the epidural. I knew I was going to want one coming into this whole process so I thought now seemed like a good time. Ahh, it was bliss. However, it made my blood pressure drop dangerously fast and there was a good hour in there that I don't really remember where they were bringing it back up. But then, blood pressure up, no more pain...time for a nap!

I woke up about an hour later and was in pain. The last time they had checked me I was only about 5 cm dilated so I still had 5 to go. And it had taken me a while to get to those 5 so everyone was thinking this was going to take a while. But when I woke up from my nap I howdy there was the pain and I felt a lot of pressure, like I had to push. Dan went and got someone because my epidural was no longer working...at all. Well, that's not totally true. The outside of my thighs were numb. We all went back and forth on this point for a while with them trying to convince me that I just needed to adjust how I was sitting. Nope, pretty sure this is not how it was supposed to feel having done this once already with Will. So I made them check me and low and behold everyone was surprised (but me at this point) that the baby was crowning and he was coming. Now. Without the epidural. Without any other assistance, he was ready to come.

Dan tells me they didn't even finish getting everything ready before he came. The doctor made it down and we didn't have to push for too long. I had totally natural childbirth and was a little unprepared for that - but honestly, felt a little bad-ass having done it. He was here, our little Henry John.



And then, things started to get interesting and the next part of our adventure began. I'll try and post part 2 soon.

4 things at 5 am

I got this in an email from Kari, and while I never really do these it was fun reading Kari's responses...even knowing her as well as I do. So, I thought I would answer some questions and it would make a fun post.

Four things about me that you may or may not know in any particular order.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. front desk person at my freshman dorm. I was supposed to ask people to open their bags if I suspected they were smuggling in beer. We were told to suspect said beer smuggling if their bag was oddly square shape. Cause only freshman would try and sneak in a case of beer and not remove the cans from their tell-tale packaging.
2. manager of an Aveda salon and spa
3. sales clerk at Express (women's clothes) at the Mall of America
4. Music Theory T.A. and tutor

Four movies I would watch over and over
1. Moulin Rouge
2. Finding Nemo (out of all of Will's movie obsessions, this is the only one I haven't gotten tired of)
3. Ocean's 11, I am a total sucker for heist movies
4. Once

Four places I have lived:
1. Livonia, MI
2. St. Louis
3. Northfield, MN
4. Colorado Springs

Four TV Shows that I watch:
1. Lost
2. ANTM
3. First 48
4. House Hunters

Four places I have been
1. Savannah
2. Cairns, Australia
3. The Badlands
4. Toronto

Four People who e-mail me (regularly):
1. Aggie
2. Kari
3. Sarah
4. My In-laws

Four favorite things to eat:
1. Sushi - especially Albacore nigiri
2. Pepperoni Pizza from the Italian Pie Shoppe in St. Paul (followed closely by the Gyro pizza from Bill's/Basil's in Northfield)
3. Flank Steak, Aggie's mashed taters and mozzarella/tomato salad. We make this meal every year to welcome/say goodbye to summer
4. sandwiches - it's a tie between New Seasons and Jimmy John's

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Sleeping in my bed
2. Lahaina, Hawaii.
3. Twin Cities (I miss my people there)
4. In my bed sleeping. Did I mention how nice it would be to be sleeping? On my bed and not in a recliner in 45 minute bursts with my 5-week-old?

Four friends I think will/should respond on their blogs:
1. Kari (I know I got this email from her but I still think she should post her answers)
2. Kimberly
3. Peter (just because it's the same site doesn't mean I don't want to hear both of your answers
4. Kate (whose new blog I really like by the way)

Four Things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Summer
2. Sleeping again someday
3. Going on a mini-vacation with my parents
4. Going to MN for Christmas

So, tell me some about you...

also, one more thing you should know about me is that due to 5-week-old mentioned above I am mastering the art of typing one-handed. In fact, this whole post was done in that fashion. Fancy, no?

101

This is post number one hundred and one. Kind of fitting I think since 101 Dalmatians is the current movie obsession for a certain 3 year old in our house. He told us the other day that when we went to the beach this weekend we were going to have to go to the store and get him a dog because he needed one to run with at the beach. And a kite. He wanted us to get him a dog and a kite at the dog and kite store on the beach. The only way to get to this store is by ship - a pirate ship to be specific. I'm glad he has a good imagination.

Henry is doing well - he is officially past his due date and seems to have gotten a lot more active in the few days since that date. So active in fact that the sleeping at night thing seems to be getting worse rather then better. He really only likes to sleep while being held in an upright position. Otherwise there is yelling. Yelling until his face is purple. Which is, you know, fun. But, as a friend reminded me recently, at least he is consoled by something. And it is something that does not involve me moving around a lot. There could really be lots worse things than a baby who wants to cuddle.

I have found a solution for it during the day. A fantastic wrap that keeps him close and still allows me to move. I mean, I probably wouldn't jog with him in it, but let's be honest, I probably wouldn't jog anyway so that has little to do with the wrap.

Also, got my hair cut. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it's the first time I've done something remotely different with it in several years. I have the cutest hairdresser the whole world (thanks to Shelley of course) and when I went to see her last week the conversation went something like this:

me: I think I want to do something a little different with the front. You know, like something...with the front?

her: The last 3 times you've been in here you've mentioned that you want to do "something" different with "you know, the front" and I think that you want bangs but are actually afraid to say that you want bangs (which was totally right by the way... the last time I had bangs was in the late 80's-early 90's and it was bad. It involved lots of hairspray and sort of looked like a claw) so I am going to go ahead and say it for you. I think you want bangs and I think it's a good idea. It'll be cute, so we'll do sort of a Reese Witherspoon/Heidi Klum bang. ok? Great.

So here we are, new bangs and a wrap that keeps Henry close. Still not much sleep, but hey, we're getting there...I think.

Brotherly Wisdom

Baby brother loves me but he doesn't like you guys. You guys change his diaper.

Boys

Resting at home this weekend

An Abundance of Blessings

Right now:

My Husband's Cancer is considered in remission.

My Oldest son is fast asleep in his bed, clutching a plastic sword and no doubt dreaming of fighting grasshoppers and spiders with his friends Mulan, Peter Pan and Captain Hook.

My youngest son is curled up across his daddy's chest and they are on our couch less then 10 feet away from me.

Right now is a very, very good night.

Newest Addition

Henry John

Born 2/22 at 2:15 pm

We are all doing pretty well - he's had to stay for a few days longer due to some complications with him being early and all, but he is on the right path and hopefully will be coming home soon. I will post more details when I have a little more time. But for now, these will have to tide you over:

New pictures up at Flickr - I will be updating pictures all week so check it out!

Status

Hello, everybody. We've been meaning to put together a status report for a while now, but as it turns out there's no easy way to put together a mid-chemo report: "Still doing chemo...it still totally sucks!" This last Monday, though, was the last injection of the third and final cycle, so we're done, with this step, in a sense. I say "in a sense," because there's a lot still to go. If chemo can be likened to being punched in the stomach over and over (and it can), then Monday was like the last time getting punched in the stomach. So while we're really happy that the punching is stopping, the stomach still hurts pretty bad and will for the near future. Estimates that we're hearing are three to four weeks for cells to start regrowing (hair, taste buds, etc), and probably two months for energy levels to return to somewhat normal.

The very encouraging overall news, however, is that the blood numbers look very good. They couldn't, in fact, look any better, as the crucial tumor markers are low enough to be unmeasurable. We get a month off before returning to the hospital for more blood tests and the first CAT scan since they started treatment, which to us feels like a durn eternity. So while there are no guarantees regarding whether this cancer returns, statistics are in our favor and we're crossing our fingers for, hopefully, five upcoming years of uneventful surveillance.

So that's where we are now as we bumble around and try to get things ready for another little boy in this house. We truly cannot thank all of you enough for all you have helped us with, for all the dinners, adventures with Will, cleaning, rearranging furniture, and on and on and on. We could not have made it through this time without you. We're looking forward to rejoining the rest of the world soon, and it's pretty clear we're going to be buying the first round.

Love to you all,
Us

Rules

The other night Will and I were having dinner and he was periodically getting up to put his face down by my ever-expanding belly to say hello to his baby brother.

I told him baby brother was kicking me and asked if he wanted to feel.

He looked slightly horrified and leaned very close to my tummy and said:

"no, NO baby brother! Mama, you have to talk to him, we don't kick people!"