It's raining I think

So much to say, but not really anything new at all. That's the place I seem to find myself in these days. I have started so many posts with updates as to what is going on, but sooner or later every post I started ended up being about The Cancer. And it was starting to piss me off. (at The Cancer, I was getting pissed off at Cancer) Because, there are other things that have happened in the last 3 weeks, I'm quite sure of it...but everything is still under The Cancer umbrella. The big, stupid Cancer umbrella.

Speaking of umbrellas, Due the the weather out here in the sunny NW, Will's new obsession is rain gear. We stopped at the store one night on our way home from school because for the 10 minutes prior he had been telling me how much he needed a gumbrella from the store. And since these days I am a total sucker, we stopped and got a new gumbrella. And for the last 12 days that gumbrella is talked about at least 10 times in every car ride and must go with us everywhere. It also must sleep next to Will's bed in case it starts raining in the middle of the night and there is a gumbrella emergency. Then he will be prepared with the staying dry. because of the gumbrella. next to his bed.

Christmas this year came and went. My parents came out and we had an early christmas with them (St. Nicholas day) and they got our house all decorated for the holidays...because lord knows if they hadn't there is no way I would have had the energy to do it. Christmas week was..interesting. With Dan's entire family here there was 4 family events in the 4 days leading up to Christmas. The smallest being 9, the largest being like 40. And because of The Cancer, Dan couldn't go to these events so I took Will by myself. Now, his family is amazing and I am so lucky that I married into them and they have been an incredible help with Will...but it was a lot of event-ing to do on my own. It just felt very, I don't know, obvious that Dan was missing...and it made me sad and honestly a little unsettled to be with his family without him.

One piece of good news - we got some preliminary test results back on Dan's blood work on Christmas eve and the tumor markers have been falling really well. Early signs are that the chemo seems to be doing what we hoped it would doing. So, while the road is still hard...at least it feels like we are headed the right direction.

So, you see? The Cancer takes over the post anyway. But I don't feel like ending it there. So here is a picture of Will enjoying Christmas - seriously, how can this not make you happy?

Rough Weekend

Near the end of a what has been a very tough weekend, Will finally had enough of me this evening.

He was trying to get to Dan, who at the moment was not really available and when I wouldn't let him yelled this at me:

"You DON'T keep me away from my Daddy! You STOP keeping my daddy away from me. You are not being very nice."

I know this is a confusing and hard time for him, and I understand that he is going to be pretty mad at me throughout all of this, but tonight, that? It broke me just a little.

2 days down

Well we are two days into the chemo. There are three different chemo meds that Dan is getting (along with lots of saline and a bunch of other drugs to combat the side effects). They all have long names, but the treatment is better known as BEP. The “B” he gets on days 1,8 and 15 of the cycle. The “E” and the “P” he gets on days 1-5 of the cycle. We have been told that the side effects are cumulative throughout the process and that he will be feeling his best early this week and in the days leading up to the start of the next cycle.

So far, it’s kind of like what we expected. Which is actually nice, I can do without surprises. I went with him on the first day so I could talk to his oncologist about the specifics of what they found last week and also to get the Chemo 101 from the nurse – you know, what all the meds are at the clinic, what meds we will need to monitor at home, things to look out for and things to be concerned about, that kind of thing. Then I stayed with him for the day while he got the 6 hour cocktail. I think I may be banned from coming back for a while as I kind of drove him crazy. With every movement, every sigh from him I was all “Do you need anything?can I get you some water?how about some juice?do you need the nurse?anything?ANYTHING?” at one point he asked if I would mind if he just read, quietly. I calmly told him “Sure, no problem. I’ve got a magazine right here” but in my head was more “sure no problem, I will just sit and stare at you for the next two hours and if you make any move that resembles discomfort I will ask you 9 million questions about how I can try to make it better”.

There is this hard balance you attempt to reach when someone you love is going through something that undoubtedly will cause them discomfort and pain. We know that is what will happen with these medications, it’s kind of how we know they’re working. But the balance part comes between you and the person physically going through this. Dan wants to be able to tell me truth and not always have it send me off into a flurry of action. Sometimes he’s simply going to be feeling shitty and there is nothing I can do about it and he doesn’t want me to do anything about it, he just wants me to know. However, if I fly off the handle every time he mentions that he’s got a little chest pain, it’s going to make it hard for him to tell me in the future. At the same time, I can’t see into his body to see what he means by a ‘little bit’ of chest pain – does he mean a little like some Tylenol would help or a little like I should call the Dr. cause it’s getting hard to breath. There is just so much of reworking ways that you communicate with each other and I have a feeling it is something we are going to be working at for the next 9 weeks.

Not the news we were hoping for

So, the Cancer is still there. We found out on Wednesday, start 9 weeks of chemo on Monday. I don't really know what to say at this point.

In case you didn't see this - here is a note from Dan. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us these last couple of days - knowing you are out there and thinking of us is an incredible support. Even if you don't hear from us, know that your words and kindness have touched us immeasurably. Thank you.

So, from Dan:

Hello all. Well, we found out this morning that we wound up on the wrong side of that 50% number they gave us, and have some work to do before getting this cancer gone. Chemo is scheduled to begin this coming Monday, so that hopefully the hair can fall out just in time for Christmas pictures. The schedule is this: all day chemo from Monday through Friday on Week 1, then just on Monday for Weeks 2 and 3, and then doing that whole cycle twice more, for a total of nine weeks of treatment. A casual glance at our spankin' new 497-page Lance Armstrong LiveStrong notebook makes it clear that chemo comes with several unpleasant side effects along with the excellent main effect of eliminating this brand of cancer in about 99% of cases. However the most disturbing side effect, obviously, is that I will not be able to drink beer.

So, it is going to be an interesting few months, particularly with Em getting more and more pregnant by the day and trying to take attention away from me, but we're timing out to be done with this stretch right before Superbowl, which is the most important thing. Thank you so much for all of your support - we'll try to keep you all up to date as we move into this next phase.

Love to you all - D&E

State of the Union

First, let me start by saying that Thanksgiving this year was wonderful. Absolutely fantastic. We ended up with 16 for dinner and people brought some of the best food we have had yet. We deep-fried one turkey and rotisserie-ed the other – both were fantastic. We missed Aggie and Becca, but I again represented with the Mashed Taters and artichoke dip and all the newcomers this year know where these recipes come from. Now, here is a little of what is going on in our house:

Dan – is feeling well these days. He seems to be fully recovered from the surgery now and we are starting to adjust to what this plan of attack means to our daily lives. He has another Big Monthly Appointment this week with all the scans and tests – in the long run, it really is reassuring knowing how closely this is all getting watched.

Will – he is such a three-year-old. We are trying our second attempt to potty train which is an adventure in itself. I have a hard time writing about him these days because it seems like every story we have about him is a little saccharinely sweet. You know? He is at a really fun age for language development and life seems to follow almost every “You know you have a preschooler when…” list that has ever been written so I don’t really have much to add. The thing about him, through all the ups and downs and three-year-old-ness, is he is just a really good kid. I was talking to a friend recently who hadn’t seen him in a while and she gave me about the best compliment anyone could when it comes to him…she told me saw a happy and secure little boy. Of course I am slightly panicked about what we are about to do to him by introducing a whole new factor of “the sibling” into his life, and how to teach him about the dynamics of that whole new relationship, but hey one step at a time.

Me – I am doing well. I am at a great point in the pregnancy where the morning sickness and fatigue is now totally gone, I’m not so big that I’m uncomfortable, I can eat fruit and vegetables again and I can feel the baby move each and every day (many times a day – he’s a lively one). Work is going well – very busy, but there have been new challenges that I have been given and been able to “rise to” as it were, so that always feels good too.

And that, my friends, is the current state of affairs around here.

Backlog

Oh my lord I have been behind with the picture stuff. I was looking at my Flickr account today and realized I hadn’t uploaded pictures since basically June. Now, we take a lot of pictures in this household so June to November meant that there were a lot of pictures sitting on my camera waiting to be uploaded onto my computer and tinkered with.

So, I dug in and wow, yeah there were a lot of pictures. Luckily (I suppose) since my old camera sucked at focusing the majority of them didn’t turn out, so I didn’t have TOO many that could even be remotely fixed with my limited knowledge of photoshop. But once I started looking at the pictures that came from the new camera? There are almost too many to choose from. I think I got so used to taking 20-30 pictures hoping that 1-2 would turn out that with the new camera I now have 20-30 pictures of almost exactly the same thing that are all good. In any case, that got overwhelming so I've only put up pictures from July and August so far.

Here they are: July/August Flickr

And here are a couple of my favorites – they are (shockingly) out of focus, but I don’t care terribly. I like them anyway.

Maybe if I just give it time?

Today after nap Will and I were cuddling on the couch watching some Pixar movie. At one point he looked up at me and said:

"Go away please Mama, I need some space"

I think my three-year-old just broke up with me.

One down, twenty-three to go

We had the first of Dan's monthly surveillance checkups this week, He will have these every month for the next two years, and then slightly spread out for the three years following (pending nothing shows up in that time of course).

The Scans came back clean and the blood tumor markers negative (meaning they didn't show cancer activity in the blood. That's good, we want negative). So an 'all clear' for the month of October!

It was interesting, this week leading up to the appointment. I know, or at least I hope, that as time goes by and we're lucky enough to have the months continue without recurrence that the mind numbing, heart-pounding anxiety in the days, hours and minutes before hearing that 'All Clear" will lessen for me. That these appointments will become a new "normal" in our lives. But that seems like a long way off for me right now.

I hope that doesn't sounds negative...it's just I tend to deal with this level of insecurity and stress by kind of freaking out before I know anything concrete. It's just how I do it. For example...last Friday when Dan was out of town for the night I started obsessing about his original CAT Scan. See there are two ways to do one, 1) Drink the stuff that will act as a contrast agent the night before or 2) get an IV of the contrast agent while you are there for the scan. Since I knew that he hadn't drank the stuff the night before and I couldn't remember if he had gotten the IV the next day (and Dan wasn't at home to tell me) I somehow managed to convince myself at 1:00 am (without ANY knowledge to back this theory up) that they there had been a miscommunication and that they had done the CAT scan wrong. And that when we went to our appointment this week we would find out that the Cancer had really spread and we just didn't know it yet. See? A totally rational and logical line of thinking.

However, this kind of totally healthy and logical worry (aka anxious panic) seems to stop as soon as I do know something concrete, even if it's bad. I get a kind of creepy calm and my repressed type A personality comes out and I make spreadsheets and notebooks and manage appointment scheduling and clean the entire house and make flubber with my 3 year old. It is then that I have the ability to draw on the untapped wells.

Dan tends to deal with this kind of thing in the exact opposite manner...which in a way is actually kind of nice. It tends to mean that both of us rarely freak out at the same time.

So all of this is a really long way of saying that we had a really good checkup and that we could not be happier this month with the results. But the getting there? It continues to be a work in process.

Must be something in the Water here

So, um, I guess I need to stop referring to the baby as "she" in my head. We are now 6-0 in favor of boys among our local group of friends. We've got all we need for starters on a basketball team, plus a 6th man.

Had the big ultrasound yesterday and follow up this morning. Everything looks good and healthy and male.

I wish I could say that I felt overwhelming excitement when I heard that he was going to be a he, that the heavens opened up and angels extolled the virtues of having two boys in 4 part harmony…but I can’t tell you that. Disappointed is not at all the right word. Surprised maybe? I really thought that I was having a girl…and I don't think I hid the fact that I thought that would be pretty cool. But, as my close friends can attest, I have always kind of pictured myself herding a bunch of boys around.

I think the thing that makes me a little sad (read: little sad, NOT disappointed) is that I have such an amazing relationship with my own mother. And it makes me a little sad that I won't get to experience that kind of relationship from her end with my own daughter. That and I kind of love little-girl ponytails and am mildly obsessed with baby-legs. I think I would be a really good mother to a girl and I'm sad that I won't get to find out if that is true.

That said, I happen to think I am also a pretty good mother to boys as well. I read something on a blog some time ago (can't remember which one) and the writer was talking about finding out that her second was going to be a boy. I had jotted it down at the time and changed it a bit this morning to make it my own: I think maybe I'll be one of those moms who herds her boys with an endless supply of hugs and cuddles (but still a strong hand). And that I will teach my boys to love music and to swim and bake and watch football and love books and do elaborate science projects at the age of 8. And all the girls they ever meet will be blown away by their strength and sensitivity. And that would be pretty cool as well.

p.s. I kind of like the sound of "my boys".

The C word

100% Embryonal carcinoma with Vascular invasion. Stage IB.

1 month and 1 day ago I had no idea what most of those word meant on their own, much less put together in a sentence.

1 month and 1 day ago, on September 14, on Will's 3rd birthday, Dan's doctors told him that they had found a mass, and it was cancer. Testicular cancer to be a little more specific.

I have hesitated writing about it here because frankly it's been much to raw for me, and writing does not quite have the therapeutic effect that it might have on others who choose this form of communication more often. I still get greater comfort out of talking. But as we have reached a small milestone in our process with this diagnosis, it felt like the right time to capture some of what has been going on, and some of where we are going.

Things moved very fast after the initial meeting with the Dr that Friday. We went in for a CT scan the next morning and had the initial surgery to remove the tumor on Tuesday. The surgery was outpatient and I was able to bring Dan home that evening. He is really recovering rather nicely and now, at about a month out, is at about 85% I would say.

From there came a series of Doctors visits. conversations about our options, long sleepless night and now here we are. We have a plan. The big picture? This is a very treatable cancer that has a high success rate when it comes to treatment when it is caught early. And it was caught early. But it's still cancer and it still really sucks.

This is the email we sent out on Friday:

Hello, everyone! After visiting with multiple doctors over the past couple of weeks, we've finally settled on an excellent specialist and our next course of action, which is going to be surveillance, and then chemotherapy if necessary. Apparently the big surgery we've been mulling over doesn't work as well for this specific cancer (100% Embryonal carcinoma) as it does for other types of testicular cancer, and might miss microscopic cells which can move directly to the lungs, bypassing the nodes which are removed during surgery. And preventative chemo (which was actually recommended by the first doctor we saw), apparently, is done "sometimes in Europe" but very rarely here in the states (when we brought up the chemo idea to actual specialists, they looked at us with a mix of amusement and horror, like we were dogs depositing a dead squirrel on the floor as a gift).

Surveillance entails monthly x-rays, CT scans and bloodwork for the next two years, then less frequently for three years after that. If the cancer is still around right now (a 50% possibility), it will manifest within that time, and we'll jump into nine weeks of chemotherapy, which itself has a 99% cure rate. So that's the story. We're not exactly done yet, but it feels good to have a decision made, and we're not arguing with the eventual cure rate either way.

There truly are not words to thank all of you for your help and support over this past month. We'll see many of you soon, and for those who are farther away, we are determined to start coming out of our cocoon, so please write or call whenever you feel like it. Our love to you all.

New Camera

I got a new camera, Dan talked me into it during one of my more hormotional (hormones + emotional = hormotional) moments when I was having a fit because only about 4 pictures from Will's awesome birthday party turned out. This was because my old camera was having trouble doing things like focusing.

My new camera makes me very happy.

Getting a D in nutrition or Reason #27 why I won't be Valedictorian of Pregnancy

So, I realize I am just getting out of the 1st trimester and all of the fun with eating that has come with it. Whenever I tell anyone how sick I've been they always say reassuring things like "Oh it doesn't matter, just eat whatever you can keep down. You have plenty of time to get good nutrition in over the next 6 months" and "Don't worry about what you've been eating, I mean you're taking your prenatal, right? You'll have time for eating healthy when you're feeling better". Which is very kind and comforting. But I haven't been eating just kind of bad. It's not like I've just not quite been getting in my 6 serving of fruits and veggies a day...I am eating like crap. I kid you not, I really think the only green thing that has entered my body this week was the lettuce that was on my BLT last night. And yesterday my big healthy choice was to get lunch at Jamba Juice, you know the place where they make fruit smoothies with lime sherbet. My sister-in-law called it the White trash pregnancy diet and I think that honestly about sums it up. I apparently can only eat things that are fried or are made out of highly processed, bleached flour.

I know I still have a chance to turn things around, but I have fear in my bad habits. Because, despite the eating like crap, I still have been sick more and have so far lost a tiny bit of weight since finding out I was pregnant. So I don't even have the negative reinforcement of my terrible eating choices to guide me. Plus, with Will I had a secret, awesome weapon in my effort to be a healthy, earthy baby-carrying vessel. A secret weapon named Shelley.

Seriously, that girl is the only reason I didn't put on 50 pounds when I was pregnant with Will (and if we're being totally honest, one of the only reasons I stayed sane 50+ hours a week between working in a crazy ass industry and a raptor growing inside me). In the morning when I would start to think "Hmm, I'm feeling kind of nauseous and a little hungry...maybe I'll just run to the gas station and get some Hostess Donettes to feel better" she would come around the corner in our purple palace of an office with a Vans Heart healthy multi-grain waffle topped with fresh fruit "because she had extra" and I would eat that instead. And then at lunch when I was thinking "Mmmm, greasy McDonald's" she would come over and entice me to come with her to the best healthy grocery store in town and we would pick out awesome healthy organic frozen lunches and extra frozen veggies to add to them to "bulk them up". That's not to say that we didn't eat the occasional bag of Maui Hawaiian chips (worst breath ever!) or get a slice cake once a week, but nothing like that crap I am pulling now.

So, I am trying to institute a WWSD (What Would Shelley Do) approach to my diet as I'm starting to feel better...I even brought a blender to work and plan on stopping by the store for some frozen fruit and good fruit/veggie juice blends to make smoothies. Until then, I think there's a cookie calling my name somewhere...

3 weeks later

So, summer is drawing to a close. I stubbornly refuse to say that Labor Day is the end of summer, especially here in the Northwest. Actually, September is one of my favorite summer months on the West Coast because there aren't usually many 90 degree days anymore yet the winter rains haven't really started yet.

September is a month I have been very much looking forward to for another reason. I can now say that I am 12 weeks pregnant! Yay! I'm due at the end of March and I can hardly wait to find out what we are having (which should happen sometime in November) This is news that I am so excited to be able to share...it's been weird to avoid talking/writing about it, as it had been a very present, front of my mind kind of thing for the last 8 weeks.

It has been a very different first trimester that I had with Will in most ways. There were the same scary complications for the first few weeks, but they have for the most part resolved themselves in a similar fashion. The main difference is that I have been SOOO sick this time around. With Will I threw up maybe 2-3 times total...this time I am pretty sure I am averaging about 2 times a day. Dude, I even threw up in a grocery store (I made it to the bathroom at least). But, as of this weekend I am starting to possibly feel a tiny little bit more human as I round out of the first trimester and head into the second.

In fact, I am starting to feel so much more human that we took an adventure up to the Mountain yesterday with Will. I had never been to Timberline and it was a beautiful morning, so we packed up in the car and took off for the day. Will of course lost his mind at actually being on the mountain that we see all the time and spent most of the morning yelling at us that "MAMA! DADA! WE'RE ONNA MOUNTAIN! LOOK!" and singing "The Bear went over the Mountain" while making his stuffed polar bear dance along. It was a wonderful, amazing day that has imprinted onto my brain as one of THOSE days. You know, where everything is just where it is supposed to be at that moment, and you recognize that you are just happy at the exact moment that you are happy instead of after the fact? Yep, one of those days, and I couldn't be happier. (I'll post some pics soon)

This and that

The latest round of guests are gone and a quiet calm has fallen over the house. Dan is in the other room watching a movie, I have been watching a backlog of bad TV on the DVR and lazily surfing the net. Will is fast asleep after a pajama stripping/diaper-taking-off incident in bed. As wonderful, wonderful, having our latest guest here was there is something so nice about just having the three of us in our quiet little house again.

Since this guest was mostly Dan's, Will and I have gotten to spend a lot of time together over the last few days. Our nightly routines have been pared down to just the two of us, and we have had such a nice time. I think he is about ready to have Daddy do nighttime again - I just don't quite read certain books the right way - but we have made new little traditions and inside jokes just in the course of a couple of days. His newest movie obsession in Mulan...there's something about the Huns I guess. He's memorized a couple of the songs and his been singing "I'll make a man out of you" at the top of his lungs every time we get into the car. He's even memorized a couple of lines from the movie and it is very important that when these lines come up, I must stop whatever I am doing and "act out" the scene with him....which of course makes me want to explode from all the cuteness and just plain earnest-ness.

It's hard though sometimes, these days that I get to spend so much time with him, to give it up. It's amazing how quickly I can fall into a rhythm that I just don't want to interrupt with things like work and daycare and having to let Dan put him to bed tomorrow night...

Beach Part1

These are from a few weeks ago when my parents where here. We spent the day out at Cannon beach and Astoria It was, of course, raining in mid-july but in some ways I was glad my parents got to see our Coast like that, all misty and Northwesty.










These were taken with my mom's camera, the one I covet. Seriously, seriously covet.

My former home

I have been devouring news out of the Twin Cities this week. After making sure that family and Aggie were accounted for I really should have been able to just read the occasional story, but for some reason I keep combing the stories for more coverage, more news, more details. It's like I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that I didn't know someone who was affected and I keep looking for that detail as to who it is. I also can't seem to stop thinking about what it must have been like to be on/under/around the bridge at the time of it's collapse, and so many of my thoughts have been going out to the people who were so tragically touched by this horrible event.
The people I love are ok, I feel so lucky for this.

More pictures!

Yay new pictures here. I've been putting up lots of pictures lately - these are some miscellaneous shots from May and June. It was fun, going through these and getting them put up I realized that we have gotten a chance to spend a lot of time with Dan's family the last couple of months. Which is good - my niece and nephew are pretty kick ass kids.

I will probably be posting another group of pictures soon, My parents were just here and I borrowed my Mom's new camera and went a little crazy. I have camera envy. Lots of it.

This next month is kind of crazy busy for our household, I think we have something planned for the next 5 weekends straight. Every summer I start out saying that I am not going to over schedule and come mid-July every summer I start trying to figure out how I managed to plan so much in a short amount of time. Dude, I even had to make a freakin' "family calendar" to keep track of everything. A family calendar! Keeping track of things like that (outside of work) has never really been my thing and now I talk to people, out loud, about how awesome having a 'family calendar' can be for your sanity. Seriously.

Anyway, check out the pictures, more to come soon.

Feelin' hot hot hot

It's been hot here for the last week and a half. For some reason the heat makes it so I stop acting like a functioning member of my household and society. Pick up my dishes? WAY too hot. Fold clothes? Ugh, it's hot, I don't wanna. Hang out? I don't know, it's kind of hot. Sleep? Ehhh, it's toooo hot. Apparently it also makes me very whiney. So, other than whining about my lame Oregon heat (which I understand has nothing on say Phoenix heat - but they all have air conditioning!) I have nothing.

Except some pictures from the 4th, which I didn't even take. But they are great pictures and we had a really fantastic time. Will made a new friend in a little boy named Brandon and wasn't at all freaked out by the few fireworks that he saw. It was hot, but as always, such wonderful company. Check 'em out - Kari's 4th Pictures

Math Test

Yes yes, I know I am not the math teacher. But I found this interesting. If you haven't done it yet, check it out. And tell me how you did...

Company

There are the kind of guests that make you want to lock them in the house to prevent them from leaving and returning home...you know, the kind that every time they come visit you practically leave real estate listings and job postings on their bed because you want them to move closer to you so badly? The kind that you don't want to share with anyone else for at least 24 hours after their arrival.

And then there are the kind of guests that make 3 days feel like 3 years they've been there for so long. You know, they kind of guests to drink your last beer and leave dirty underwear on your bathroom floor.

The company we had this last weekend was very clearly one of these two kinds of guests...I think I'll let the pictures tell you which one:


So, there were lots of stony silences and no one smiled:

/






She didn't get along with any of my friends and when we went out everyone had to sit at different tables because it was so awkward:








And clearly we were miserable. Miserable I tell you!:




I mean honestly, what does one do with company like that?

Namaste Bitches!

I keep sitting down to write, and start and then get pulled into different directions. It's been a busy couple of weeks, at work, with family and with friends. I have company coming into town tonight(Which I am SO freakin' excited about!), we had Father's Day last week, work has been full of new projects, spreadsheets and clients. I feel our little family has been going every single minute of every day of the last couple of weeks. We finally started a "Family Calendar" because we just couldn't keep track of everything and it is really funny to look at. It's packed! Which, honestly, I love. I love moving like this and doing and seeing and going. But, it's hard to find time for just being in all of it.

Which is one reason I am so excited about the new Yoga class I am taking. The majority of my experience with yoga has been via DVD and a couple of poorly chosen yoga "sessions" at the mega gym that I go to. The "sessions" were a little more "We do YOGA BITCHES!" than I really wanted. Also, at this point, the yoga Will has been learning at school has already surpassed what I know from the DVDs -and let's face it, they are most pregnancy yoga dvds anyway. I have been wanting to learn more, I think it would be good for my hip and also my head. I feel like such a fake midwesterner whenever I start to talk about the psychological benefits of meditation, but whatever. My parents already make fun of me for that and the tofu that I now eat, so be it.

This class though? It is fantastic. Where the one at the mega gym was all "FEEL the BURN! How deep can you STRETCH?!?" shouted over a headset with music pumping, this was more like being gently placed in a warm bathtub of happiness and lavender scented oils and maybe there being some movement involved. Needless to say, it was great experience and I can't wait to go back. Two interesting observations: 1) Despite feeling like my heart rate actually lowered for an hour and a half and that all I had done was some gentle stretching, the next morning I totally felt like I got my ass kicked, so that was cool. and b) It is REALLY hard for me to meditate for 5 minutes. I was doing beginner level where all I had to do was focus on my breathing...I'm a singer, I should totally be able to do that. It's kind of sad that how hard it really is to get your mind to slow down for just 5 minutes out of your day. I have GOT to work on that.

Milestones

Just for a little background. I was born with a congenital hip disorder. Before I turned 1 Doctors took all sorts of extraordinary measures including traction and surgery to hopefully allow me the possibility of walking. It worked well and I walked, and ran and danced and did all the things that a kid with "normal" joints can do. At first, they told my parents that by the time I was 16 I would need to have my entire hip replaced. At 16 I was performing in a show choir and doing musicals and the only problem that seemed evident was that my knee would get a little bit sore and I really wasn't very flexible (I only have about 10% lateral movement in my hip due to the surgery). Then they said I would probably need it replaced in my early 20's. I entered my 20's and was soon working retail (on my feet all day), was waitressing and bartending. Again, I would get a little stiff in the joints but it wasn't something I really thought about every day. Honestly, I think I got a little cocky about it all and didn't take very good care. I mean I knew that things were not really all ok in my hip, but I don't think I KNEW how much I was working that joint on borrowed time.

At 23 my hip started dislocating and within a year the arthritis had deteriorated my hip to the point that I could not leave the house without using a cane. I could barely go grocery shopping without the pain setting me out for the rest of the day. There was daily, chronic, pain and then there was the kind of pain that made me feel like I was 80 and my body had completely given out on me. I couldn't even tie my shoes on my own.

I went in to see a specialist who was...cold. Now, I am not looking to make lifelong friends with my Doctors, but this guy was tough. He told me if I wanted to have children I should think about doing it before they replaced my hip. He also told me that there wasn't anything to be done except to replace it and that I would never be normal again. And to come back when I couldn't handle the pain any more. Now again, I am not trying to run a marathon here folks, I just wanted to tie my shoes and buy milk. So I asked if I could go to Physical Therapy...he said if it would make me feel better, sure but it wouldn't do really any good. Thanks, thank you for that.

One thing that terrified me about having children is the age that Will is at now, and my lack of ability to keep up physically. There were things I wanted to do as a parent that I would not be able to do if I couldn't walk through Target without having to get off my feet for a couple of hours afterwards. If there was nothing to be done than there was nothing to be done...it's not like it was going to make me any less of parent if I couldn't do those things. But I just didn't think that I had exhausted ALL of my options yet, and I really wanted to keep working on this.

So I went to Physical Therapy, and I worked my ass off for two years.

The arthritis in my hip is worse than it was 5 years ago. It will continue to deteriorate and I will need to have my hip replaced at some point in the future. I am in pain every day. But thanks to that physical therapy, the pain is less and I am not a candidate for surgery at this time. I have not used a cane in almost 5 years. I can tie my shoes without help, and go to as many grocery stores in a day as I want. I have dance parties with my son and can carry him through the zoo...all things I was worried I would not be able to do at this point.

And a couple of weekends ago, with a bunch of our friends, Dan took Will and I on our first camping trip . We went for long walks in the woods and threw rocks in the river together. It was awesome and we both loved it. These may seem like little things, but it feels like a milestone to me.

What's on your Table?

Time recently published a photo essay from the book "Hungry Planet" where it shows ALL the food that 15 different families eat in a week. What they've eaten out, what they cooked, what they got out of a package...everything. It's fascinating, and a little depressing. Seeing what some families exist on compared to others is very telling. Also interesting is the lack of fresh, unprocessed food in the diets of some of the families in more developed nations. We try to eat reasonably healthy in our house, especially since Will has been eating real food, but I realized I can't really picture what our table would look like. Can you?

Check it out: What the world eats.

Bubbles

To say that my son can be focused...it's putting mildly really. Since he was a baby, he has shown a tendency to, well, obsess. His current obsessions? Outside and Bubbles. This child would live entirely outside if we would let him. And the bubbles...Dinner Will? No, that's ok. I've got my bubbles, I'm all good. Time for bed? No mom, I think I'm just going to hang out here with my bubbles. See, bubbles and me, we've got a good thing going here and I don't think I really want to ruin that with sleep. At least that's kind of what I think he means when he starts the purple-faced yelling with some more yelling when we try to convince him that maybe some food, drink or sleep might be needed in order to keep blowing the bubbles.

That is one of the reasons this memorial day was so perfect. We spent in Kari and Andrew's backyard, which is the perfect backyard for hanging out with Will in its fenced-in, perfect lawn-ness. Our wonderful hosts fired up the grill, we all drank some beer and let our son blow bubbles all day long. Here are a couple of Will with some of his favorite people in the world on an absolutely wonderful day:







And one where I caught a bubble and get all artsy:

It's a slippery slope my friend

"So, I did something yesterday I never thought I would find myself doing. Ever. I can't even believe I am going to tell you about it."

"Oh Em, what'd you do?"

"I was at the grocery store with Will...and I sang the entire Elmo Potty song to him...outloud...twice."

"EMILY!"

"I know, I know! I am like a perm and a pair of mom jeans away from changing my screen name to ~~i*heart*being*will's*mama~~ aren't I?"

"It is a fine line..."

"At least it the grocery store was almost empty, I mean it's not like a lot of people could hear me..."

"The Elmo Potty song Emily?"

"I know."

Thursday Nights

We have been doing Thursday Nights for more than three years...maybe four? I don't remember when it started exactly, but it was before I was pregnant with Will. Sarah and I used to get together when the guys were playing darts and go to the gym and then go back to my house to watch The O.C. Then we would meet up with the guys at the bar and drink too much Hair of the Dog Fred. We were the Dart Widows.

When I was pregnant we kept the gym part up for a little while (not that long though in all honesty) and even the meeting up with guys part (again, not for that long and there was no more Fred). Somewhere early on in there Andrew started playing darts and Kari started joining us. After Will was born Sarah and Kari still came every Thursday and cheered me on in those early scary days of being a new mother, and kept me from feeling isolated when leaving the baby with Dan and going out and meeting up with them at a bar seemed far too overwhelming. Thursday nights were my nights to always be home, but they didn’t have to. They have made it important to them for 2 1/2 years to forgo being out and about and be on my front patio instead.

Over time it became less and less about getting together to watch the OC and more and more about sitting outside (even in the winter) and having a few cigarettes and a few glasses of wine. It became less about talking about what was happening with Summer and Seth and more about sharing what was happening in our lives...our fears, our successes, our pain, our joys. Thursday nights have seen us through 3 Master's programs, multiple job changes, moves into our first homes, inexplicable sadness, innumerable joys, countless tears and endless laughter...and many, many bottles of wine.

We have had other people join us from time to time, which is always so nice. Recently, someone has been joining us who very quickly has become one of My People. I am so thankful for that and so bummed that this Thursday was her last Thursday before she leaves on her great adventure. I know I speak for the other two of us when I say congratulations on being done (DONE!) with your thesis and for defending it so successfully. We cannot wait to hear and read all about your upcoming journey, but we will miss you too.

These Thursday nights, they have been such a gift to me. I am still amazed sometimes that such wonderful women have let me collect them to my home, once a week, for so many years. Thank you.

Future Streaker

So last night I was sitting out on the porch with the girls, doing our typical Thursday night thing (more on that in another post, promise!). Will had had some difficulty going down to bed in that he would rather live outside and play with balls and KICK! than eat or sleep. So his little voice kept coming over then monitor "Mama, need water!" or "Mama, Buzz needs new Diaper!". Things were quiet for a while and then there was this "MAMA! ASDIUYOAUISD" I looked at Kari and told her I had no idea what he was talking about but it didn't sound urgent and it was already an hour past his bedtime.

About 5 minutes later, again, "MAMA! ITOKJSCLOTHOF!!"
Still didn't sound urgent, just informative. Still no idea what he was actually saying.

Another 5 minutes passes and "MAMA! I took ALL my Clothes off!!"

huh?

I go in and sure enough, there is my little man stripped of all his clothes and half of his diaper off. He looks up at me from his bed, biggest smile you can imagine. SO proud of himself.

"Hey Mama, I took ALL my clothes off. Fun!"

You know, if he's got that concept down now, he is going to be a lot of fun at a kegger some day.

He really is my child

Dan: Will, you need to stay focused on what you are doing. You only have two stairs left then we are at the top

Will: meh...Bye-Bye Focus!

Trailers - Recut

Oh my good lord. Dan showed me these tonight and I realize that I am probably behind the times a little on this, but these are awesome. Best. Things. Ever. Please check out all three (I think Top Gun might be my favorite):

The Shining:



When Harry Met Sally:



Top Gun:

Pictures and stuff

I finished up a batch of new pictures from the last couple of months. Over this time Will and I had more opportunities than usual to have time where there was just the two of us. A day off here, a weekend where Dan was traveling there. I know this sounds kind of weird, but I feel like we've really gotten really close over that time. I mean, before he was VERY Daddy centric and now it's a little more even. It's really fun getting to know this little person...because at this age he changes so much all the time that's really what I feel like I am doing. More and more of his personality comes out every day, and he is talking so much and boy does he have a lot to say! In any case, here are a couple of my favorites from the recent batch (you can see the rest on Flickr):







Will and I also did a lot of fun adventuring with Kari over the last couple of months - she is such a great support to me when Dan is traveling. She makes up the funniest games with Will and he loves her beyond reason. So check out this picture of Kari showing of her new hair which I think is awesome and totally wish I could pull off.

sleep

So I see a pattern starting to emerge. Just like last week, I didn't so much sleep on Friday night. I stayed up watching my "stories" and playing around on YouTube. Until Three. Will woke up at five. Yay! We then went on an awesome picnic to wine country. Just as a side note, the Midwestern in me still gets such a kick out of saying shit like "I just took a quick jaunt over to wine country" because that's the sort of thing people in romance novels and Lifetime movies say (the 'finding a true/second love' romantic Lifetime movies, not the 'runaway teen/battered spouse' Lifetime movies). In any case, went to wine country. Will decided that this was a day he did not need to sleep. Ever. Skipped his nap and stayed up until 8:00 that night. He talked about our picnic for the rest of the day...with no nap.

Now, you would think that, hey! Since I didn't get any sleep on Friday night, I should do something about that for Saturday So I got a little more sleep...like 5 1/2 hours. And then last night? again with the no sleep. I think I got 4 hours or so. So, awesome.

Today? I almost cried a few times just from the tired. And I think I fell asleep in the bathroom for a couple of minutes. I wasn't actually going to the bathroom at the time, I was just looking for someplace that was quiet for a few minutes. Tonight I am going to a fancy-pants reception/Q&A session with the Superintendent of Schools with my mother-in-law, who said when I asked her what I should wear "Oh you know, whatever you wore to work today will be fine honey. You know, no jeans or anything". Um, somehow I think the old jeans/hoodie sweater/ponytail/no makeup look I'm rocking at work today isn't quite what she had in mind. So I have to go home and get myself all gussied up. And then when I get home tonight? Totally working on this whole sleep thing. I hear it's pretty cool.

Bits and Pieces

So, it's 1:00 am. I've been exhausted for two days, and for some reason can NOT get to sleep tonight. So I've given up trying for a little while. Brewed a pot of herbal tea, put on some Bach and am getting caught up on my blog reading. And I kinda realized I also needed to get a little caught up on my blog writing as well.

Will is a funny kid. Seriously, I realize that every parent says things like this and I know that I have said this about every stage that he has gone through...but 2 1/2 is a shitload of fun. He has started talking...and I don't mean one or two word sentences here or there, I mean TALKING. As a friend put it recently, whenever I tell her what Will is saying/doing she pictures him talking in all caps with lots of exclamation points. And it is so dead on. So here are some fun Will stories from the week:

1) Back when Will was still not liking me very much (last week actually) I decided to use the situation to my advantage rather than take his 2 1/2 year old fickleness personally. Dan and I were trying to get him ready for an outing and I was putting his shoes on:
Will: Daddy! Daddy Daaaadddyyy! I only want Daddy I can't stand being touched by you, you evil, mean mama. (ok, so the last part I made up)
Me: Will, is Daddy your favorite?
Will: YEAH!!!
Me: Do you like Daddy more than Mama?
Will: yah (this would have been "um, duh mom" if he was 5 years older)
Me: (slyly checking out the massively dirty diaper he is sporting) Will, do you want Daddy to change your diaper?
Will: YEAH! Daddy change diaper!! Mama no change Diaper. daddydaddydaddy!!!
Dan: Seriously?

2) Will's school was closed on Monday for "teacher training". Personally, I think they just wanted the day off...or they were meeting to see if the staff could figure out who all works there now. Because as parents we can barely keep track of who is currently employed there due to all of the staff turnover, I'd be impressed if they could. In any case, I decided to have my own "Take your Child to work day". So Will and I took Dan into work and went and visited all of Daddy's friends at work. We have visited Dan's work with some frequency so he is pretty comfortable there. At one point he was running up and down the hallway just walking into people's offices and trying to hide.
And then we stopped by my work...which we had never really done before. And Will had one of his "Shyness Attacks" where he buries his head in my neck and refuses to smile at, look at or speak to anyone. He warmed up to one of my co-workers but was particularly rough on Peter. He refused to have ANY contact with him for the 20 minutes we were there and kind of looked like he was on the verge of tears every time Peter looked at him. However, the entire ride home? "Where'd Peter go? Where's Peter? Bye-Bey Peter! BYE BYE PETER!" and then I reminded him that Peter was married to mama's friend Kimberly. "oooo, yah! Peter married Kim-bah-lee! KIM-BAH-LEE!!! Peter and Kim-bah-lee come to Will's house! Ok mama? MAMA? Come to house!!" Couldn't stop talking about it all.the.way.home.

3)Earlier this week I had a problem with one of my eyelids...nothing serious just something that made my eyelid swell up to a pretty fantastic size. So when I woke up Wednesday morning I said to Dan and Will that I was going to go to the doctor because my eye hurt. About a hour later we were talking with Will about how he was going to grandma and bapa's house today and he said "Mama going to Doctor because her eye hurts. Ouch! Kisses Mama? Kisses make it all better". You know, which made me totally melt, and holy shit that was a lot of words.
Later Dan picked him up at his parents and Will told him again that I had gone to the Dr. and that the Doctor had said to mama "no more monkey's jumping on the bed!" I love how this kid's head works sometimes.

Where I stand.

Last night I was getting Will ready for bed and we had been talking about all the cool things we had done in Arizona a couple of weeks ago when we were there. He likes to look at pictures from this trip almost every night and asks me if I "member" things that we did. So we had been talking about Arizona and he took it from there:

Will: bye-bye nana! bye-bye papa! bye-bye baby madison! bye-bye ryan! bye-bye big pool, ooh! and little car!
(looks at me)
Bye-bye mama.
Me: Bye-bye Mama? I'm not going anywhere. Where do you want me to go?
Will: Yes, mama go. Go to great-grandmas. go Arizona. on a plane.
Me: You want me to get on a plane and go to Arizona right now?
Will: yeah. now. mama go.
Me: But Will, who will take care of you?
Will: Kari.

Apparently he was more excited about Kari coming over last night than I thought.

what you gon' do...

I take it back. It wasn't the song, it was the version.

eh...

I am kind of boring right now, that's why I haven't been writing much. I just don't really have anything to say. I've been feeling a little reclusive and a little bit anxious, although I don't really have any reason to feel either. The family is wonderful, friends are good, work is..eh. Nothing is wrong, but I feel a little off. And I don't have much to say. But I figure it's kind of like working out, even if you don't feel like going you should try and go for at least 20 minutes, just so you can say that you went. Just to keep in the habit. So lucky you, you get to read a 20 minute workout post...just so I can stay in the habit.

Here is something I have seen linked to on about 3 different and unrelated blogs recently. So today I checked it out and really liked it. It's two women who live 3191 miles apart and take pictures every morning. They don't plan anything, but it's amazing how well they compliment each other. Take a look, I think you'll like it.

Grey Matter

It's 3:45 in the morning. I have only slept for about 1 1/2 hours since 9:00, 1 1/2 hours in which I had the weirdest dreams about Will and I trying to out chase mini tornadoes. I have watched 4 episodes of Bones and am now on my 3rd episode of Grey's Anatomy. Meredith annoys me sometimes. This is what I am thinking about at 3:45 in the morning.

One thing I hate...

I do not like flying.

And it far outweighs my ‘Staying at Home Alone’ hatred. About 5 years ago, not so long after September 11th, I was on a flight to Dallas that encountered some "problems". I was asleep in the front row and it was a pretty empty flight so there was no one else in my row. I woke up with the damn air masks hitting me in the face and there were people screaming. And it felt like we were falling. You know how they tell you that the little bag that's attached to the masks might not inflate but there will still be oxygen coming through? Totally true. I forgot this fact in the confusion of the moment. If you ever find yourself having to use one of those things, it's a good thing to remember...keeps you from panicking even more. Turns out we had somehow lost all cabin pressure and they had to make a "quick controlled descent" from flying altitude (35,000 ft?) to 5,000 feet in order to remedy this. We flew for the next hour at this lower altitude and then made a priority landing in Dallas. If I hadn't HAD to get on a plane to get home, I doubt I ever would have again. And I didn't like flying before this.

However, as my parents insist on not living in the same town as me and want to see their grandson on a regular basis I have to suck it up and deal with the flying. We have been down in sunny Arizona visiting with my parents at my Grandmother's house. It was a fantastic trip - the weather was unseasonably warm, Will and I were able to spend really wonderful time with my parents and my grandmother. We even got to see my Aunt and Uncle and some cousins I haven't seen in over 5 years. I miss my parents a lot and so it was really good to be able to see them again so soon after Christmas - even if it was just for a few days.

So I was really, really happy. And I was also traveling without Dan. Sometime even just one of these things can trigger my anxiety of flying because 1) Sometimes it frightens me that by being so blissfully happy I am somehow tempting the fates and the universe will course-correct and cause something tragic to occur and 2) I am often terrified that something bad will happen to some subset of our family and what that would mean for the person who had to deal with tragedy. Totally rational, no? With both of these factors in play, well, needless to say I was out of sorts yesterday when heading to the airport. While we were driving I was internally working on my long standing resolve to not let this affect me around Will, because I don't want him to feel the depth of my irrational fears.

But then, it seemed like all of these little things went wrong. Stupid things like us getting lost trying to find the terminal, and then the skycap not being open meaning I had to stand in a long line to check my luggage, and then the bag holding Will's car-seat wasn't working right and then and then...for some reason all of these little things stirred in with the base of anxiety that was barely being contained underneath the surface caused me to become slightly unhinged. I started crying in the middle of the airport with my mother standing next to me holding my two year old child. At 30 years old I had to have my mother walk me through the airport to the security line because somehow my coping skills had reverted to those of a six-year old.

I reassured her that I was fine (I don't think she believed me) and made my way to the front of the security line with Will blowing kisses to his Nana the entire way. Then to top it all off there was a problem with my driver's license and both Will and I had to be searched. Which was awesome. But hey, the guy that took every single thing out of every single bag I had knew how to get Will's car-seat bag to work correctly, so score!

By the time we finally got on the plane I was done. Even at two hours past his bedtime Will was officially more together than his crazy mama. It was a reasonably empty flight and it was just Will and I in our row. He was asleep before we left the ground, and I? I don't sleep on planes anymore because I have to keep the plane in the air by sheer force of will...and if I sleep who is going to do that? A little while after take-off, in the dark with my little boy sleeping next to me, I finally had some release - not in a good Zen kind of way but a silent-crying panic attack kind of way. I can only imagine what the flight attendant who caught my eye when I was done must have thought about my situation. Not that I really cared though...I was just glad that I had managed to keep it together long enough for Will to be asleep. Plus, I had to focus my attention back to keeping the plane in the air.

Yeah, I don't like flying.

Happy Blogiversary

Happy birthday to my blog!

I can't believe I've already been posting here for a year. I was looking back on some of my old posts and I don't think I really knew what I was going to make of this stuff when I started. Not that I do now, but I had some grand ideas when I started. Thanks for reading - I'm having fun figuring it out as I go along.

I put up some new pictures here. They are from January and February, which were particularly fun months this year. Plus, there are some pictures from the aquarium..with the TUNNELS!! and FISHES!! and even some JELLYFISH!!!

I am also eagerly awaiting Kari updating her pictures and will post a link to them when they are up. On Sunday a few of us got together and made delicious liquors. Well, we didn't actually make the liquor, but we infused it with many wonderful things like grapefruit, lemons, mint, blueberries... not all at once though. That would be kinda gross. In any case, Kari got some AH-MAZING pictures of our work and I can't wait to see them...or share them for that matter. Next step in the infusing deliciousness (after the infusing part that is) is to sample our goods and see what needs simple sugar added and what needs more time infusing. And come up with a name...we need a name for our cellar.

Family Picture

Holy crap - I can't believe it! A picture exists, that includes all three of us, just the three of us, and we are all looking at the camera. And no one has their eyes closed (Dan) or is crying (also Dan).



This was from a fantastic weekend we had at the coast a couple of weeks ago. We were on our way from the beach house in Lincoln City to Newport for the morning to visit the aquarium. It was a typical winter coast weekend for the most part, all rainy and cozy, but the sun broke out for a bit and it made for a beautiful morning. And the aquarium? I think that if Will could be adopted by the aquarium people and live there all the time he would. To say that he loved it really doesn't give it credence. He is obsessed with it...he talked nonstop about the BIG SHARK! TUNNEL! SEA OTTER, goes SPLOOSH MAMA!! for about a week and still insists on going to sleep every night with the brochure they handed out at the entrance. He points things out to us on the map..."remember mama? sea lion and hold daddy's hand and touched the star (starfish)" and then clutches it to his chest in a giant hug. I swear the other day I saw him giving it "cuddles and kisses". Yes, the paper brochure. To the aquarium. Total obsession.

Other than that, we spent most of the weekend watching the tide come in and playing frisbee on the beach. Honestly though, I still can't frickin' believe that we actually got a family picture.

Humbled while buying produce

Dan: Seriously, that is the only place where the check-out guy makes me feel socially inadequate.

Me: I know, even the bagger was too cool to have ever hung out with us.

time

You know when someone you love is going through something so mind-numbingly awful that all they really need is time? Just time.

I am from the midwest and I do not deal well with that whole time concept...I have this almost unstoppable need to do things. I want to feed you so you know I love you and bring over lame magazines and movies and chocolates. I want to do something, anything…cause you know, it's all about me.

But there is nothing I can do to make this better. I can only possibly, maybe, in time help make it a tiny, little bit less horrible. All I can do is say to my dear friend that I am so immeasurably sorry.




p.s. – oh, and 2007? You had better watch your ass because me and my people? We will take you down.

Late Valentine

The next American Idol

Have a told you that Will likes the music? I'm not sure I've really explained just how much. It's kind of a running commentary these days. Mama? Dance Party? Music? Mama? Sing Humpty Dumpty. Now. No night-night, sing. Blackbird, now. Manger song? Now. MAMA? NOW!MUSIC! NOW!
Lately he has decided that mealtime is the best time to entertain us with his musical stylings - who needs food when you have some hokey pokey/old mcdonald/jingling bells goodness, right?

Super Sunday

So, as I’ve mentioned before I used to be really involved in music. I went to a performing arts program in high school, did every musical possible, and graduated college with a Bachelor of Music. Being involved in all of that, I kind of missed a lot of, well, pop culture. Seriously, Nirvana barely made it onto my radar; I have to tell you watching sports? Way further out of my realm.

When I graduated I started working at a brewpub in St. Paul. Unlike Oregon, where there are more brewpubs then coffee shops, Minnesota folk (at the time at least) really liked their beer cold and tasteless…you know, lots of Hamm’s. So working at a place that only had one TV and beer that tasted like hops during the football season? It wasn’t exactly very busy. But the owner Mark loved football. He was from Wisconsin and was a die hard Packer’s fan…a dangerous admission in Viking’s territory, but he wore it proudly. I worked with him every Sunday during football season for two years. We had 5-6 regulars that would come and watch the game with us and serve themselves beer while I learned how the game was played. See, Mark decided that I was going to be an expert in all things football. He convinced me by saying it was a good way to meet guys (hey, I’m not proud) but as it turned out, I really, really liked watching football.

Now, every fall Dan and I get all geeked out for the start of the new season, reading up on how the camps/pre-season is going, making our guesses as to who will do well and who will fail. And it all culminates with the game of all games…the Super Bowl.
We have hosted Super Bowl at our house for the last several years and while I enjoy it, it really is Dan’s holiday...and as much as it is about the game, it is also about the food. For the last three years he and Dave have been trying to outdo whatever it was the year before. Two years ago they made a Turducken. Last year it was a Ham Dog. This year, a whole pig roasted in a Chinese Box. I shit you not, there was a large animal roasting in our backyard.

All in all there were about 20 people there to enjoy this culinary feast and a keg of Dave’s fine crafted homebrew. Will was out of his mind with excitement as he was sure that everyone was there to play with him. I don’t think I saw much of the game this year, but it was a really good day.



I put up the rest of the pictures here, but I have to warn you, some of the of the pig preparation pictures can be a little graphic, especially if you don’t eat meat.

Self Portraits - 30

An old love

The relationship started showing signs of trouble during my junior year of college. Little things really, I would call plans off here or there, sometimes blowing something off altogether. Nothing major, but the signs were there and I chose to ignore them.

By the middle of senior year it became clear that I simply wasn’t in this relationship anymore. I was emotionally and even physically just absent. But I kept on, more out of habit than anything else…kind of a “doing it for the kids” sort of attitude. There was no animosity, no anger; but there was also no joy, no passion…no love.

I did my student teaching after graduation. It was a weird way to do things, because you are no longer enveloped in the safe confines of the academic world. You are paying rent and car insurance and have choices and freedom. At the same time you are still a student and not yet in that adult world. That’s when things moved away from the peaceful coexistence that had been so carefully balanced for the last couple of years. It was done. This relationship that had defined such a huge part of me was over. I removed all traces of it from my life…surgically excising that whole part of me.

Recently though, I have found a peace that I didn’t know I could and I find myself nurturing a new relationship with an old love. It’s slow going, kind of a day to day sort of thing. I owe it all to Will…he loves music as much as I remember loving it.

I don’t remember starting to love music. I don’t remember learning to read music, I just remember knowing how. I don’t remember when I first felt like my entire body would explode because the music I was singing/playing/listening to had come perfectly into tune with something inside of me, but I have been lucky to experience it many times over.

When I realized that teaching music wasn’t the right path for me, I didn’t really know where to go with it. It had been an all consuming part of life for so long that I thought if I couldn’t do it all the time, I wouldn’t do it at all. I went from identifying myself as an alto, a music major, a member of a choir a musician to not even listening to music in the car. I stopped going to concerts, stopped singing in the shower, just stopped.

But then there is Will. As a baby when he and I were alone in the house nothing could calm him quite like music. Now he loves it when we play music in the house and he can “dance” along. He loves being sung to every night...and more recently many, many times during the day. And he has started singing along with me in that fantastic two year old way. So for the past two years I have been mending that relationship I had and have been learning how to let music be a part of my life and not my whole life.

Do you know those songs that you have that you could listen to over and over again…barely letting it finish before you hit the back button to start it again? Those songs that somehow come into tune with something inside of you? I have been finding those songs again. Right now some of them for me are:
Fidelity – Regina Spektor
Mr. Brightside – The Killers (this has been on the list for some time now!)
Vindication – Bobby Llama
Overture to Candide – Bernstein
What are some of your songs? Please, please leave me a comment and share them with me – I am loving finding new music again.

Snow Day

So, we got a snow day today. Kari sums it up best here and here. The only letter I would slightly adjust for me is the one to her school...only because I was personally annoyed with our own school that did not decide to close until 7:45. Since Will's daycare and Dan's work are closed if our school system closes this was an annoyingly late time to call it when it was really clear at 5:00 (and yes, I was up at that hour) that there was no way the roads were going to be safe.

That said, we had a really fun day. We threw all responsible parenting to the wind and let Will drink straight juice, watch as much Toy Story as he wanted and of course spent copious amounts of time outside in the cold without boots and with socks as mittens.

As promised...

I finally finished all of the pictures from December. There are a lot of them...but if you take into account that I started with over 300 then 116 isn't so bad, right? Maybe?

Here you go...December Pics

The way we were

I took a ridiculous amount of pictures this Christmas. Over 300 in the month of December...and I had misplaced my camera for 2 weeks in the middle.

Part of it was that my parents handed off the torch. My mother decided she would no longer be bustling around us all Christmas morning, trying to get a good shot of us opening a present, barely sitting her own self and hardly ever being in a picture. Nope, she wanted to enjoy her grandson uninterrupted so it fell to me. It was really exciting have such an active role in the festivities, kind of like when as a kid you got to pick the presents out from underneath the tree and hand them out to everyone. Also, pictures from Christmas have always been a prominent part of the yearly albums my mom always put together so it felt important to make sure it was properly documented.

Part of the massive amount of pictures is just the digital age...you just keep shooting pictures because you can judiciously edit later. But I've recently realized that part of it for me is that I am terrified I will loose all the little moments in between that big ones. Will is changing so much every day and in the 10 pictures I have of him playing piano with his Papa I see different expressions, angles of his face, motions, and emotions.

I am having difficulty judiciously editing because I am afraid I will forget one of those angles, one of those expressions without them.

In any case, I should be finished soon and have 8 gagillion pictures up on flickr...and another 8 gagillion in my head.